Oct 31, 2010

week of wacky

hurt my ankle night before my flight leaves to take care of mom who dislocated hip.
need wheelchair assistance in airport.
family fight.
family talk and make up.
can't sleep.
sleep too much.
act as lawyer for my sister.
sister acts as doctor for me.
ask underage niece to grab wine and needles from the house and meet me at the curb.
realize this is grounds for a DCF visit.
trunk flies open three times during car ride.
jump out at a red light to close said trunk.
eyebrow threading makes me look like I've been in a fistfight.
food court people assault me for my business.
spice cake is sold out at the store so I protest by throwing brownies on the floor.
everyone at the grocery is dressed in costume.
we drive around town wearing a top hat.
someone stops us to find out where to purchase said hat.
sitting in the car I receive a call from my sister on her phone directly outside the car.
meet new pets and have a pet funeral.
experience three seasons of weather.
shower with a crazy centipede.
say hello to various random strangers.
say and hear "I love you" a million times.
leave with soul restored and new perspective.

Oct 30, 2010


5 things you are good at........ wow.  Isn't that a tough question?  I always see and feel the weight of my faults so deeply that it is a true thought provoker.  I find it hard to be that introspectively positive about myself.  But here goes......

1.  Analysis.  I see big picture.  I see the end result, and can figure out how to get there via the most efficient route.  I have a very logically-minded thought process.

2.  Humor.  When I am not using it as my coping mechanism, people seem to find me funny.  In my head, I am usually thinking a smart remark to everything I see and hear.  I probably only articulate a third or so of what's going on in my mind.  Good grief!

3.  Quick Problem Solver.  That's not working?  Fine, try this.  Not that?  How about this?  I can adapt quickly in most situations, and can offer solutions that others might not think of.

4.  Negotiating.  I know what I want, I know what I want to spend, I know what my limits are, I know what my terms are going to be.  And I know when to walk.

5.  Reading People.  I have a gut instinct about people and their intentions that has rarely led me wrong.

What about you?  What are some things you are good at?  What are some things you think I am good at?  How we see ourselves is often so different than how others see us.  Let's talk about it!  :)

Oct 27, 2010


Somebody asked recently why I don't trust people.

I had to really think. 

Is it that I DON'T trust people, or that I CAN'T trust them?

I'm not sure.

I think I don't know how.  I think I am always waiting for people to let me down.  And they always do.  Which feeds my feelings of mistrust. 

Who have I always been able to count on?
No one.

Is that a true truth or just my interpretation?  A truth.  Really.  I have had so much violation of trust.  Deep cutting violations.  From people close to me.  From everyone I have ever let in.  And now I don't.  I can't trust people and let them in.  I can't trust them not to hurt me.  Which brings the deeper pain of loneliness.

I think I have to fix this, but it isn't easy.  I'm stuck in a horrible circle and breaking this thirty year old habit is so very difficult.  I have to choose people who won't let me down, and then I have to trust that they won't.  And then hopefully, the trust becomes restored. 

Help me trust.  Reach out to me, and I will reach back.

Oct 26, 2010

the wall

I feel like being honest and I feel like talking and I feel like saying all the things that I always want to say but nobody asks and nobody cares and nobody listens and nobody thinks my problems are big enough to matter in this great big world to offer a shoulder or hug or companionship.

It's a lonely world and I have so much and have done so much but I still lack so much and have done so little.  And I don't matter much to most in a way that I can feel.  Maybe they can, but I can't.  In a way that makes people want to reach out and know me.  In a way that makes people want to spend time or space with me.

My flaws run deep so so deep.  They must.  I fail at making the loneliness go away.  I fail at making the people stay.  I fail at being able to find my way.

I keep trying, I keep asking, I keep meeting, and I keep being alone.  I wonder how many feel this way?  I wonder what makes everyone stay away. 

I built my walls so high that nobody can or wants to get over them.  Because to do so would mean understanding a girl who yearns to have someone want to do it badly enough that she can break the walls down for you and let you in.

There's always pain and loneliness in the end.  There is always abandonment in the end.  A world so large and so crowded and lonely and filled with acquaintances and never best friends.

And I can say it doesn't matter to me, but it does.

Oct 8, 2010


Insomnia.  But fatigued.
Exploring why, but not done yet.
Miles to go before I sleep.
Miles to go before I sleep.
It doesn't help to count the sheep.
I can't rest my mind to close my eyes.
I can't close my eyes to rest my mind.
I miss the girl that I once was.
I long for the woman that I could be.
It's all lost in the swirl of my lost dreams.
My lost dreams.
My missing dreams.
I long to find them in my sleep.