love me 6: first love

love me #6: first love

I wish I could say that DH was my first love.  As young as we knew each other, I wish we grew up together, next door neighbors, friends since diapers,  moms are friends, sharing our first kiss, and we grew up together meant to be with each other since always.  These are the dreams of kids who moved and moved and moved their whole lives and don't have a home town and long for these kinds of lifelong relationships.

Alas, we got together as soon as we could.

Before that, there was another - my first love.  Looking back on it now, it was the most unhealthy relationship I could have chosen at the time, but if you were to tell my 17 year old self such a thing, I'm sure I would have cried and screamed and told you how truly in love I was.  Awww.... puppy love.  So young, so stupid.

So what was it about then?  It was fun, and exciting, and so many good times.  We laughed.  He made me feel safe.  He gave me a family that I was desperately looking for at the time.  Security.  And I needed that.  He thought of the little things, and I appreciate this so much.  I was happy.  I really was.

I always had something to do.  I always had somewhere to go.  I had someone who wondered where I was and how I was doing.  I had someone in my corner, someone rooting for me.  These are important things to someone that age - to feel important, and safe, and cared for, and loved.

It didn't end well, and went on and on and on so much longer than it ever should have, but isn't that what happens when you are young and not in control of your emotions?

I don't regret it.  I wish I had been smarter and valued my worth more.  I still feel that way about myself.  So I guess it was not exclusive to that relationship, but something I wish I could do for myself all the time.  Even so, if I was able to find more strength, I might not have had my trust violated in such a crushing way.  Story of my life really.

First loves..........  what can I say?  It was what it was, and I am glad it got me one step closer to the happiness I am blessed with today.

prompt 5: iLove

prompt 5:  iLove
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To Those I Hold Dear,

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways........

I am a lover.  Anyone who truly knows the depths of my soul knows this to be true.  Underneath my sharp exterior lives a tender soul.  I yearn to love deeply and with all of me and to feel that love returned.  I want to say the words and hear the words.  I want to give you a piece of me that shows you how much you are valued.  I want to create something that can be a reminder.

I would walk to the ends of the earth to protect this love.  I would defend it with everything I have.

I give it with my actions.  I make sacrifices.  Deep sacrifices that are often not even detectable if I can help it because I don't want there to be guilt in its receiving.

I don't know what to do when someone actually recognizes it.  It is a rare and precious gift to have it known for what it is.  And mostly it has been a reflection of someone who can see to those depths before I realize they have journeyed there.

Truly my life has been my gift of love to as many as my heart could hold.  Hopefully it has been felt.  We all want to love and be loved.  It is the greatest gift I have to give.

Love,
Me

love me 4: dreams - words of wisdom

dreams - words of wisdom

To the Lights of My Life~

It is hard to put in words the dreams I hold for you in my heart.  There is so much and it is so big.

I wish for you happiness.  Pure unadulterated joy.

I wish to protect you from the evils the world holds.  But also that you may have the power and strength to always be protected.

I wish that you experience true love.  True partnership.  That you are cherished.

I wish that you know your path and know success.

I dream that you will have more love and laughs and friends and happiness than your hearts and hands can hold.

Love,
Mama

love me 3: dreams unrealized

Dreams Unrealized........... *sigh*

I don't love this prompt.  I spend enough time worrying about this as it is.

I guess the biggest one is being successful in school and work.  I am really just starting to wrap my mind around exactly why this particular dream was never realized.  It seems pretty simple.  Go to school.  Get a job.  Learn.  Grow.  Become successful. 

Part of me is such a go getter, and that part just cannot comprehend the part of me that is not and didn't achieve the goal.  I will never truly be comfortable with it.

I'm just not who I was supposed to be.  But eventually, that will just have to be okay.

Love,
Me

love me 2: dreams flashback

Dear Future,

Childhood dreams are such powerful things.  In a way, they are what shape your life, what guides your future.  When you are a child you can really open up your mind and explore without limits.  A child's imagination knows no limits.

When I was a child, I imagined a whole life for myself.  I was going to be a famous actress.  I was going to get married and have a baby girl named Samantha Harrington.  (I guess I was going to have to marry someone with the last name of Harrington.)  I was going to be rich and famous and happy.

Or sometimes I imagined that I would be a famous archeologist.  I was going to travel to a remote location and spend my day uncovering artifacts in a big dig.  I would find a new undiscovered type of dinosaur.

Sometimes I dreamed that I would be a famous writer.  I would spend my days sitting on the beachside writing in my journals.  Always writing by hand to preserve authenticity.  That dream progressed into wanting to be a journalist.  I wanted to write articles for a large newspaper.  I actually started college as a journalism major.  This was right as the OJ scandal hit, and after watching weeks of coverage, I decided I never wanted to spend my life camped outside an alleged murderers house.

At one point I really wanted to be a successful businesswoman.  I wanted to break through all of the glass ceilings and be the person in charge of a company.  I imagined that I would live in Boston, and work on the top floor of a tall building with a huge office with giant windows overlooking the city.

Sometimes I really miss that ability to dream without bounds, to imagine without limits. 

Love,
Me

project love me: idream

I came across an interesting project to write more about myself and allowing those around me to learn more about who I am.  It is actually intended to be a scrapbook challenge, but for me, my writing has become my scrapbook for now, so I will be doing it here.  I can't promise 100% success, but I am going to give it my best.

It is called Project Love Me and the details can be found here:  Love, Me

The first prompt is iDream, and is a letter about my current hopes and dreams.........
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Dear Friends,

Hopes and dreams are so important to who a person really is.  Over the last several years I think it is part of myself that I have really lost.  Part of that is because of all the dreams that have never been fulfilled, and part of it is the realization of all the dreams that will never come to be.  I think I have developed a bit of a beaten spirit, and it is not something that I am particularly proud of.

One of my dreams is financial stability.  There are some things that have gotten in the way of that, things I cannot change now, but I always thought things would and should be easier by now.  I look forward so much to the day when this is a reality.

Simply enough, I wish I had a housekeeper!  Truth is, I am just not good at it.  I don't like to do it.  And I hate when it isn't done.  If someone could just sweep in once a week and do the dirty work (kitchen, bathroom, dusting, floors) DANG!  Life would just be so much easier!

I dream of good times with friends filled with laughter and smiles and sharing and hugs and talking and caring about each other.  I dream of having friends and best friends.

Another dream is to see my children succeed.  Their success in all aspects of their lives just brings me such pride and joy.  Sometimes it is because of me and sometimes in spite of me.... but they are better people than I could ever be.  I am so happy to see them shine!

I dream that I will find the day when I am finally healthy and happy and have energy and happiness and joy.  I have spent so long in pain and feeling tired that I have almost forgotten what is like not to be this way.  There must be some glimpse of it in my mind though, because it is what reminds me that this is not a normal way to live.  I dream of the day when this is not my normal anymore.

I dream of growing old with my husband, traveling the world with him and enjoying each other's company, watching our grandchildren grow up, and retiring to our home on the Cape to live out our days watching the tide grow in and out.  That is my ultimate dream..........

Love,
Me