It’s All Coming Back To Celine Now
1 day ago
Showing posts with label project me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label project me. Show all posts
Feb 7, 2013
Jan 22, 2013
my journey begins
I feel like I have all these words inside me that need to come out.
I feel like I have all these emotions bottled up.
I feel like my real body is crowed underneath an ugly shell.
I feel like there is a deeper, better self that I have not yet reached.
I feel like my current version of success could be shadowed by my own greater future successes.
I feel like the damaged little girl in me has never been healed enough to grow into a healthy adult woman.
When I shed all the layers what will remain?
Will I know how to be the person underneath, and feel the true feelings, and sense the world in a pure, raw way?
Am I capable of making the connections that a soul requires to truly be alive?
Will I allow myself to be loved?
Am I capable of loving?
Who am I, and who will I be able to be?
I feel like I have all these emotions bottled up.
I feel like my real body is crowed underneath an ugly shell.
I feel like there is a deeper, better self that I have not yet reached.
I feel like my current version of success could be shadowed by my own greater future successes.
I feel like the damaged little girl in me has never been healed enough to grow into a healthy adult woman.
When I shed all the layers what will remain?
Will I know how to be the person underneath, and feel the true feelings, and sense the world in a pure, raw way?
Am I capable of making the connections that a soul requires to truly be alive?
Will I allow myself to be loved?
Am I capable of loving?
Who am I, and who will I be able to be?
Nov 18, 2011
broken
I am pretty sure I don't have much of a following here anymore, so for the few of you who are left, allow me to share my innermost thoughts, k? It's actually sort of comical that I am even putting this here, since what is on my mind today is trust. And I know it's not exciting or funny or uplifting or very interesting to read, and not much like the brighter face I try to put on most of the time, but at some point I have to let it out. And I'm sorry that this blog has been such an outlet for my darker thoughts, but I know that I need to say the words out loud once in a while in order to try to become whole.
I am pretty much the most distrustful person I know. I don't trust anyone. There is always at least a small piece of me that I keep locked up so that nobody can hurt it. Even more so, I keep even bigger and more pieces locked up from the majority of people I know.
I know I just talked about this here a month ago, but I am still trying to work out what this is and why it has become such a prominent issue in my life. I need to put the words out into the universe so I can see them and try to understand.
I feel like my trust issues have spilled out all over the place and are making a big sloppy mess of things. I am way too negative and way too sensitive and torn between needing constant company and needing to push everyone away. Loneliness overwhelms me most of the time.
I don't trust myself. That is the worst part. I always feel too exposed and unprotected, and I hate how this leads to getting hurt. I am so overly sensitive to it that even the smallest betrayals hurt me way too deeply. I just want to curl up in my little box and never be hurt again.
I question my own value and struggle with needing others to show it to me. And that isn't anybody's job but my own. But that part of me is broken. So I wait for someone to want to be with me or talk to me or let me know that I matter. And when they don't, which is inevitable, I allow myself to feel confirmed that I am not worthy. I can't build relationships this way. And because of that or a million other reasons that I am not a valuable friend or person, I am mostly alone.
How do you learn to trust? I never learned. I pretty much know what pieces of my history got me to this point, but that still doesn't give me the keys to overcoming it. I hate how broken I am.
The worst part is that I worry that I won't be able to teach it to my children. It is so vitally important to me to build this trust within them, but I'm not sure if I really know how.
I can't be happy this way, and I am always going to be alone. It is desperately sad. Somehow I need to learn how to change this. And even though I know how crazy all of these thoughts must sound, starting to tell people what I am actually feeling is one way for me to start to learn. And maybe someday, somehow, someone will understand me and love me anyway.
Oct 4, 2011
health challenge: portion size
So as a challenge to myself, I am trying to get healthy. This was spurred on by several things - being at my highest ever weight, looking gross in my clothes, overall feeling yucky, seeing pictures of myself and being horrified!!
To get started, I went back to the same food plan that has always worked for me. It is easy to do, I don't feel deprived, there are plenty of food choices, and I'm not starving or thinking about food all the time. Works for me. So far I have dropped 15 pounds over the past month.
Detoxing off of sugar is the first thing I go through. It only takes a couple of days before I don't have a taste for it any more. I swear, sugar addiction is a real and powerful thing. Look at anyone addicted to soda. Try to deprive them of it for one day and see what happens. Artificial sweeteners are almost worse - how about the Diet Coke people? You could pry their sweet nectar from their cold dead hands......
After that, for me it is learning to control my portion size. This is where my weight is truly controlled. Somehow in my life I trained myself to eat and eat and eat to the point of near explosion! Feeling sad? Feed it. Happy? Stuff it! Angry? Eat eat eat and eat some more! I've always wished I was more of an angry cleaner or exerciser instead of an angry eater. But alas.... it is not to be.
Today I made chili. Totally on my plan. I hadn't really eaten anything else today (mistake) so I didn't really think about it too much when I heaped my bowl with the yummy cold weather comfort food.
And then it was way too late when I realized I had overeaten.
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!?!?!?!
The rule I have followed in the past is to stop eating when no longer hungry. This is a completely different feeling than eating until full or stuffed. I think this is going to be the key for me this time around. I mindlessly eat until my plate is empty, so I have to be conscious of what it is I am putting on my plate. I have to think about the food, and realize when the hunger has been satiated. And then I have to STOP EATING.
I don't feel good right now. My belly wants to pop. I am a little bit nauseated. I am uncomfortable. All things I do not aspire to be. And definitely NOT what I need to be feeling to be successful.
So starting this week, my health challenge to myself is to control my portions. I'll check back and let you know how it goes!
To get started, I went back to the same food plan that has always worked for me. It is easy to do, I don't feel deprived, there are plenty of food choices, and I'm not starving or thinking about food all the time. Works for me. So far I have dropped 15 pounds over the past month.
Detoxing off of sugar is the first thing I go through. It only takes a couple of days before I don't have a taste for it any more. I swear, sugar addiction is a real and powerful thing. Look at anyone addicted to soda. Try to deprive them of it for one day and see what happens. Artificial sweeteners are almost worse - how about the Diet Coke people? You could pry their sweet nectar from their cold dead hands......
After that, for me it is learning to control my portion size. This is where my weight is truly controlled. Somehow in my life I trained myself to eat and eat and eat to the point of near explosion! Feeling sad? Feed it. Happy? Stuff it! Angry? Eat eat eat and eat some more! I've always wished I was more of an angry cleaner or exerciser instead of an angry eater. But alas.... it is not to be.
Today I made chili. Totally on my plan. I hadn't really eaten anything else today (mistake) so I didn't really think about it too much when I heaped my bowl with the yummy cold weather comfort food.
And then it was way too late when I realized I had overeaten.
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!?!?!?!
The rule I have followed in the past is to stop eating when no longer hungry. This is a completely different feeling than eating until full or stuffed. I think this is going to be the key for me this time around. I mindlessly eat until my plate is empty, so I have to be conscious of what it is I am putting on my plate. I have to think about the food, and realize when the hunger has been satiated. And then I have to STOP EATING.
I don't feel good right now. My belly wants to pop. I am a little bit nauseated. I am uncomfortable. All things I do not aspire to be. And definitely NOT what I need to be feeling to be successful.
So starting this week, my health challenge to myself is to control my portions. I'll check back and let you know how it goes!
Sep 29, 2011
trust?
Where does my insecurity come from?
Lack of trust.
Why don't I trust?
Because all of my trusts have been violated.
I actually feel like it is a pretty whiny point of view, and it would probably be something that drove me nuts in someone else, but it is exactly how I feel. To some extent, I don't think I ever actually learned to trust, as if that part of my development is just missing or damaged. I can't remember a time in my life where I was ever able to give my trust freely.
When I have, the trust has been broken. Over and over and over and over again. I have had family, friends, partners, all of whom have burned me. Burned me in ways that the sum of which has become insurmountable.
The result has been that I never truly give away my heart. I never reveal my inner feelings. I am always waiting for someone to stomp all over me and leave me broken.
It also makes me lonely.
Maybe that is why I have a large outer circle, and and teeny tiny inner circle. I don't know. It isn't necessarily the whole reason, but it certainly contributes.
My connection making skills are broken.
I have this gigantic part of me that needs a hero to come along and be my protector and safeguard my heart. And until I can give the trust to someone to do this for me, I do it myself.
A vicious circle.
Lack of trust.
Why don't I trust?
Because all of my trusts have been violated.
I actually feel like it is a pretty whiny point of view, and it would probably be something that drove me nuts in someone else, but it is exactly how I feel. To some extent, I don't think I ever actually learned to trust, as if that part of my development is just missing or damaged. I can't remember a time in my life where I was ever able to give my trust freely.
When I have, the trust has been broken. Over and over and over and over again. I have had family, friends, partners, all of whom have burned me. Burned me in ways that the sum of which has become insurmountable.
The result has been that I never truly give away my heart. I never reveal my inner feelings. I am always waiting for someone to stomp all over me and leave me broken.
It also makes me lonely.
Maybe that is why I have a large outer circle, and and teeny tiny inner circle. I don't know. It isn't necessarily the whole reason, but it certainly contributes.
My connection making skills are broken.
I have this gigantic part of me that needs a hero to come along and be my protector and safeguard my heart. And until I can give the trust to someone to do this for me, I do it myself.
A vicious circle.
Sep 28, 2011
insecurity
We all know that blogging has lost stamina, and even more so has gone the way of Twitter, Facebook, etc etc.... But by request here I am.
It's hard for me to be consistent, not because the stories aren't there, not because I have nothing to say, but mostly because I don't always want to put it all out there where it can hurt or where I would be held accountable to the feelings.
I am hypersensitive and overly-protective when it comes to my feelings and thoughts. I am more critical of myself than anyone could ever be, but at the same time I have a hard time believing that the whole world isn't looking at me through the same critical microscope that I view myself.
Regardless, my days are spent just trying to get by. Keep everybody happy. Try to let go of the fact that I can't remotely possibly keep up with my house. Get everyone where they need to be. Keep all the crying to a minimum. Chase the paperwork, the voicemails, the emails, the red tape. Make our dollar stretch until you can see through it. Placate placate placate.
I try to stay awake to enjoy the few quiet minutes I have to myself. I wonder if I am missed as much as I miss. I try to understand my place and why it is never where I think it could or should be. Wonder why I am forgotten or left out. I create my own family network out of those who can take it and those who get it and those who make it valuable and worthwhile.
I am tragically insecure.
It's hard for me to be consistent, not because the stories aren't there, not because I have nothing to say, but mostly because I don't always want to put it all out there where it can hurt or where I would be held accountable to the feelings.
I am hypersensitive and overly-protective when it comes to my feelings and thoughts. I am more critical of myself than anyone could ever be, but at the same time I have a hard time believing that the whole world isn't looking at me through the same critical microscope that I view myself.
Regardless, my days are spent just trying to get by. Keep everybody happy. Try to let go of the fact that I can't remotely possibly keep up with my house. Get everyone where they need to be. Keep all the crying to a minimum. Chase the paperwork, the voicemails, the emails, the red tape. Make our dollar stretch until you can see through it. Placate placate placate.
I try to stay awake to enjoy the few quiet minutes I have to myself. I wonder if I am missed as much as I miss. I try to understand my place and why it is never where I think it could or should be. Wonder why I am forgotten or left out. I create my own family network out of those who can take it and those who get it and those who make it valuable and worthwhile.
I am tragically insecure.
Jul 28, 2011
i just want to matter
I don't know why I can't seem to settle for an everyday life. I always need to add a little chaos in to make myself comfortable. My latest venture has been to become a foster parent. In the course of getting licensed, you are asked repeatedly why you want to become a foster parent, and my typical answer involves the hole left in my heart after our last surrogacy attempt came to a close and wanting to help children. This past weekend when a close friend asked, my simple answer was "I just need to be needed." It's something I never really realized about myself until hearing the words come out of my own mouth. I have also recently found myself saying, "I just want to matter." And it's the truth. I would do just about anything to help a family member or friend. I don't find myself with the opportunity very often, but when I do, I try to jump at the chance as much as I can. It is a side of myself that I am not that comfortable with, and it is not really what I think people think of when they think of me, but the truth is that I am really just a little girl who wants to matter.
Three weeks in, and this first foster journey is pretty much kicking my ass, but every day I see more and more how I am mattering to these kids. Little by little my family is able to repair the scars from the life they've led before coming into our home. And at the end of the long and exhausting days, I know that deep down to someone, I have mattered.
Three weeks in, and this first foster journey is pretty much kicking my ass, but every day I see more and more how I am mattering to these kids. Little by little my family is able to repair the scars from the life they've led before coming into our home. And at the end of the long and exhausting days, I know that deep down to someone, I have mattered.
May 5, 2011
on my mind
Here is what is on my nerves right now.......
Self-righteous people
Uncertainty
Poverty
Mice
Bad skin
Mess
Fatigue
Clutter. And not being able to conquer clutter.
Grocery shopping
Gas prices
Here is what makes me smile right now.........
The love of my family
Sitting on my deck listening to the birds
Music
Wind
Coupons
Winning
Helping
Pictures
Wine
Community
Hope.
Jan 11, 2011
mama bear
Did I mention I am embroiled in this huge battle with the dance school right now? It is really draining the life out of me! But I have learned a lot about who I am as a mother through the experience. In the past I have been pretty laid back about accepting our lots in life, but lately it seems I am willing to fight to the death to protect my kids and to preserve what is rightfully theirs. It is more fight than I really thought I had in me, but it will hopefully be worth it in the end.
Jan 5, 2011
new year's non-resolution goals
I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions. It is just a game people play in January, forgotten by February. I would however, like to make a few goals. Goals are good. They keep a person motivated.
1. Continue with my weight loss. I lost about 35 pounds in 2010. Hard fought pounds they were. Coming off IVF did not make this any easier. Hormone fluctuations trip out my whole system. I took control of things in about September, and have been losing a couple pounds a week. My plan is to just keep chugging along this way. Nothing radical, just steady forward progress.
2. Pay off some debt. I wish finances were a little easier for us, but they just aren't. I just want to get a better handle on things this year. Maybe not make each time I go to pay bills so scary. I have made some cuts this week to our expenses, and have a plan for the next six months. With some support, I think this can be doable.
3. Enjoy family time. We had some fantastic bonding last year, and I want to keep this going. We had some great vacations, enjoyed some extracurricular activities together, spend time crafting together. I just want to keep the good vibes going.
4. Go back to church. We found an excellent church. I have just been lazy about going. I need to get back into the habit. My heart is telling me this every week.
5. Nuture my friendships. Often I feel people base their opinion of me on the mistakes I've made or who I used to be and not on who I am now. If they spent some time with me now, maybe they would see. Maybe they wouldn't, and those friendships weren't meant to be. But I can tell you this, I need more people willing to reach out to me, and I am willing to reach out in return. I need a friend I can meet for coffee. Someone who thinks of me when they have nothing to do or are looking for someone to shop with or to see a movie with or to make plans with on a weekend. Someone to talk to.
6. Continue to work on improving my health. I have seen every doctor and they have run every test. There is still more to do. My immune system needs help! They are getting closer, and every visit makes me feel like there may be some answers soon. I am just going to keep doing what I need to, and follow all of their instructions. Fingers crossed.
So those are my goals. What are yours for 2011?
1. Continue with my weight loss. I lost about 35 pounds in 2010. Hard fought pounds they were. Coming off IVF did not make this any easier. Hormone fluctuations trip out my whole system. I took control of things in about September, and have been losing a couple pounds a week. My plan is to just keep chugging along this way. Nothing radical, just steady forward progress.
2. Pay off some debt. I wish finances were a little easier for us, but they just aren't. I just want to get a better handle on things this year. Maybe not make each time I go to pay bills so scary. I have made some cuts this week to our expenses, and have a plan for the next six months. With some support, I think this can be doable.
3. Enjoy family time. We had some fantastic bonding last year, and I want to keep this going. We had some great vacations, enjoyed some extracurricular activities together, spend time crafting together. I just want to keep the good vibes going.
4. Go back to church. We found an excellent church. I have just been lazy about going. I need to get back into the habit. My heart is telling me this every week.
5. Nuture my friendships. Often I feel people base their opinion of me on the mistakes I've made or who I used to be and not on who I am now. If they spent some time with me now, maybe they would see. Maybe they wouldn't, and those friendships weren't meant to be. But I can tell you this, I need more people willing to reach out to me, and I am willing to reach out in return. I need a friend I can meet for coffee. Someone who thinks of me when they have nothing to do or are looking for someone to shop with or to see a movie with or to make plans with on a weekend. Someone to talk to.
6. Continue to work on improving my health. I have seen every doctor and they have run every test. There is still more to do. My immune system needs help! They are getting closer, and every visit makes me feel like there may be some answers soon. I am just going to keep doing what I need to, and follow all of their instructions. Fingers crossed.
So those are my goals. What are yours for 2011?
Jan 2, 2011
who i am
I am guarded. I am loud. I love to talk, and I love to listen. I observe and analyze and analyze and analyze. I hate the cold and the dark and the snow. I get depressed and sad and lonely. I am not good at making or keeping friends. I try so hard, but people don't know it. They just think I am ignoring them or trying too hard or I don't know what or not at all. They don't know how difficult it is sometimes. I keep my heart locked in a box in a cave in a secret world that is not found on any map. I smile and laugh to mask my pain. I feel love and admiration. I feel jealousy and hurt. I have a million unfulfilled dreams. I am desperate to have the things I can't, and hate myself for it. I am always the third priority. I am trying to give it all I can. Sometimes a person's best is never good enough.
Dec 31, 2010
2010 round up
Here is this year's version of the quiz I have done in the past.......
2006
2007
What books and/or magazines did I read this year?
Real Simple. Travel + Leisure. A million and one chick lit books. I finished tons of books I have started and never finished. That was the biggest accomplishment.
What movies and/or tv shows did I watch this year?
Greys. I found the season finale two of the most intense hours of television I have ever watched. I have healed along with Yang. When she said "Being a hero has its price." Some of the most truthful piercing words ever uttered. Feeling the sunlight on her face and remembering to let go and embrace the tears. Waiting for my Meredith to stand by my side and lay on the floor of the ER with me. Where is she?
What special days did I celebrate and how?
Ten year wedding anniversary on my favorite place on Earth - Cape Cod. Stood on the beach in front of the sunset with my favorite people to recommit myself to my true love.
What gifts did I give and/or receive?
I have crafted lots of things this year. Hopefully they are appreciated by their recipients. Made with love for sure.
What illnesses or health concerns did I have?
Everything. Doctors trying to help me find my baseline. My normal. I haven't seen it in years. Feels like an elusive goal right now. Getting there piece by piece. Part of a sacrifice I made that can never be recovered.
What fun things did I do with my friends and/or family?
The summer of sun. Beach, beach, and more beach. Wake up, pack a cooler, sit on the beach. Hang with family and friends. The perfect summer.
What new foods, recipes or restaurants did I try this year?
Hibachi. We all love it except Curly Q who jumps back every time the fire flames up. More sake, more happy.
What special or unusual purchases did I make?
Cars!! About frakkin time. Both cars practically fell apart seconds before being traded in. Totally could not afford it, but really had no choice.
What were this year's disappointments?
I have realized that sometimes I just cannot count on others. It really is up to me.
What were my accomplishments this year?
Putting myself first and doing what mattered to me. Standing up for myself. Being my own damn cheerleader. Becoming more of the wife and mother I know I can be. Spending more time with my family, and enjoying more time with my friends who are there for me. Lots of discovery.
Anything else noteworthy to record?
I am on an upswing I think. I have only good wishes and expectations for 2011. I am becoming the me I know I can be.
Oct 30, 2010
good
5 things you are good at........ wow. Isn't that a tough question? I always see and feel the weight of my faults so deeply that it is a true thought provoker. I find it hard to be that introspectively positive about myself. But here goes......
1. Analysis. I see big picture. I see the end result, and can figure out how to get there via the most efficient route. I have a very logically-minded thought process.
2. Humor. When I am not using it as my coping mechanism, people seem to find me funny. In my head, I am usually thinking a smart remark to everything I see and hear. I probably only articulate a third or so of what's going on in my mind. Good grief!
3. Quick Problem Solver. That's not working? Fine, try this. Not that? How about this? I can adapt quickly in most situations, and can offer solutions that others might not think of.
4. Negotiating. I know what I want, I know what I want to spend, I know what my limits are, I know what my terms are going to be. And I know when to walk.
5. Reading People. I have a gut instinct about people and their intentions that has rarely led me wrong.
What about you? What are some things you are good at? What are some things you think I am good at? How we see ourselves is often so different than how others see us. Let's talk about it! :)
1. Analysis. I see big picture. I see the end result, and can figure out how to get there via the most efficient route. I have a very logically-minded thought process.
2. Humor. When I am not using it as my coping mechanism, people seem to find me funny. In my head, I am usually thinking a smart remark to everything I see and hear. I probably only articulate a third or so of what's going on in my mind. Good grief!
3. Quick Problem Solver. That's not working? Fine, try this. Not that? How about this? I can adapt quickly in most situations, and can offer solutions that others might not think of.
4. Negotiating. I know what I want, I know what I want to spend, I know what my limits are, I know what my terms are going to be. And I know when to walk.
5. Reading People. I have a gut instinct about people and their intentions that has rarely led me wrong.
What about you? What are some things you are good at? What are some things you think I am good at? How we see ourselves is often so different than how others see us. Let's talk about it! :)
Oct 27, 2010
mistrust
Somebody asked recently why I don't trust people.
I had to really think.
Is it that I DON'T trust people, or that I CAN'T trust them?
I'm not sure.
I think I don't know how. I think I am always waiting for people to let me down. And they always do. Which feeds my feelings of mistrust.
Who have I always been able to count on?
No one.
Is that a true truth or just my interpretation? A truth. Really. I have had so much violation of trust. Deep cutting violations. From people close to me. From everyone I have ever let in. And now I don't. I can't trust people and let them in. I can't trust them not to hurt me. Which brings the deeper pain of loneliness.
I think I have to fix this, but it isn't easy. I'm stuck in a horrible circle and breaking this thirty year old habit is so very difficult. I have to choose people who won't let me down, and then I have to trust that they won't. And then hopefully, the trust becomes restored.
Help me trust. Reach out to me, and I will reach back.
I had to really think.
Is it that I DON'T trust people, or that I CAN'T trust them?
I'm not sure.
I think I don't know how. I think I am always waiting for people to let me down. And they always do. Which feeds my feelings of mistrust.
Who have I always been able to count on?
No one.
Is that a true truth or just my interpretation? A truth. Really. I have had so much violation of trust. Deep cutting violations. From people close to me. From everyone I have ever let in. And now I don't. I can't trust people and let them in. I can't trust them not to hurt me. Which brings the deeper pain of loneliness.
I think I have to fix this, but it isn't easy. I'm stuck in a horrible circle and breaking this thirty year old habit is so very difficult. I have to choose people who won't let me down, and then I have to trust that they won't. And then hopefully, the trust becomes restored.
Help me trust. Reach out to me, and I will reach back.
Oct 26, 2010
the wall
I feel like being honest and I feel like talking and I feel like saying all the things that I always want to say but nobody asks and nobody cares and nobody listens and nobody thinks my problems are big enough to matter in this great big world to offer a shoulder or hug or companionship.
It's a lonely world and I have so much and have done so much but I still lack so much and have done so little. And I don't matter much to most in a way that I can feel. Maybe they can, but I can't. In a way that makes people want to reach out and know me. In a way that makes people want to spend time or space with me.
My flaws run deep so so deep. They must. I fail at making the loneliness go away. I fail at making the people stay. I fail at being able to find my way.
I keep trying, I keep asking, I keep meeting, and I keep being alone. I wonder how many feel this way? I wonder what makes everyone stay away.
I built my walls so high that nobody can or wants to get over them. Because to do so would mean understanding a girl who yearns to have someone want to do it badly enough that she can break the walls down for you and let you in.
There's always pain and loneliness in the end. There is always abandonment in the end. A world so large and so crowded and lonely and filled with acquaintances and never best friends.
And I can say it doesn't matter to me, but it does.
It's a lonely world and I have so much and have done so much but I still lack so much and have done so little. And I don't matter much to most in a way that I can feel. Maybe they can, but I can't. In a way that makes people want to reach out and know me. In a way that makes people want to spend time or space with me.
My flaws run deep so so deep. They must. I fail at making the loneliness go away. I fail at making the people stay. I fail at being able to find my way.
I keep trying, I keep asking, I keep meeting, and I keep being alone. I wonder how many feel this way? I wonder what makes everyone stay away.
I built my walls so high that nobody can or wants to get over them. Because to do so would mean understanding a girl who yearns to have someone want to do it badly enough that she can break the walls down for you and let you in.
There's always pain and loneliness in the end. There is always abandonment in the end. A world so large and so crowded and lonely and filled with acquaintances and never best friends.
And I can say it doesn't matter to me, but it does.
Oct 8, 2010
dreams
Insomnia. But fatigued.
Exploring why, but not done yet.
Miles to go before I sleep.
Miles to go before I sleep.
It doesn't help to count the sheep.
I can't rest my mind to close my eyes.
I can't close my eyes to rest my mind.
I miss the girl that I once was.
I long for the woman that I could be.
It's all lost in the swirl of my lost dreams.
My lost dreams.
My missing dreams.
I long to find them in my sleep.
May 16, 2010
lean
Oh my goodness - I have a blog!! I forgot for a minute......... Oh well, here I am again. I don't even have anything to say. I just figured I better check in. I see that I left you with some lovely snow to look at. I guess I should be about changing that. Maybe a project for next week.
I am blown away lately at how fast things change. And how people change. And also how much some people NEVER change. I am an astute observer - I notice every little detail about things. A question was recently posed about whether one is or is not a diva. I think I can be. Because I am always noticing everything, I am painfully aware when things are out of place or not as they should be. I don't always feel it necessary to comment, and I actually think I do not advocate as much as I should for some things, but I am always aware. I always notice.
In contrast to that, or maybe because of it, I have been moving around in a bit of a numb state. Trying to detox, to shed the old skin, and grow into the next phase. Not sure where that is leading me at the moment, but feeling the shift and leaning into it all the same.
I am blown away lately at how fast things change. And how people change. And also how much some people NEVER change. I am an astute observer - I notice every little detail about things. A question was recently posed about whether one is or is not a diva. I think I can be. Because I am always noticing everything, I am painfully aware when things are out of place or not as they should be. I don't always feel it necessary to comment, and I actually think I do not advocate as much as I should for some things, but I am always aware. I always notice.
In contrast to that, or maybe because of it, I have been moving around in a bit of a numb state. Trying to detox, to shed the old skin, and grow into the next phase. Not sure where that is leading me at the moment, but feeling the shift and leaning into it all the same.
Feb 26, 2010
can mommies have fun? are they even allowed to?
I am following a blog about marriage..... ready, set, wife ....... check it out!! It is co-written by Cathleen Carr and Robin Okrant (author of the fabulous Living Oprah .... check that out too!). They posted recently about marriages and babies, and city artsy folks vs suburban mommies. With one foot firmly planted in each camp, I felt I may have a unique perspective on this dichotomy.
To say that these are two separate worlds is truly an understatement. As much as I would love to blend them together, it never really fits. It is more like that pair of really cute shoes that you buy even though they pinch..... The thing is, you can never be quite free and uninhibited for the non-parent crowd, and you can never be quite super-mom enough for the suburban mommy set.
I live in a community of Stepford Wife Super Moms. If you want to feel inadequate about your parenting, move here. Maybe it is just my insecurities speaking, but I feel surrounded to the point of choking by stay-at-home moms who do nothing other than run their over-scheduled toddlers from activity to activity. Of course there are exceptions, but for most of them it seems that their very lives have been reduced to nothing else.
On the other end of the spectrum, are my free-spirited childless friends. They are generally this way by choice and are happy with that. To them, I am the old-fuddy duddy who can't go out on a school night or doesn't fathom whisking off to Vegas for the weekend. I am the one who needs notice to make it out on a Saturday night.
Somewhere in the middle is me. But the thing is, it is just where I belong. I am not sure I would ever be content to be squarely in either category. We had kids young, young enough I suppose to not truly appreciate how exhausted and inexperienced we were at the time. We made mistakes, learned from them, and grew into an indestructible unit. Now my carefree side needs to have crazy nights out with wine and dancing, and the other side loves my children deeply and infinitely and cherishes quiet nights reading stories and playing board games by the fire. The women who gave me the most pressure to go out to the club when I was a young mom who spent Saturday nights home with my baby, are the same ones who look down on me now when I choose to trust a family member to watch my not-so-little ones while I enjoy an evening out.
I think the key to this balance for me lies in the fact that I have such a supportive husband who is an active parent. He does NOT call caring for his children "babysitting." He trusts me inherently and knows that at some point in even the wildest nights out, all I want to do is get home and lie in his arms. We both know that being parents does not mean surrendering your entire former self to the job. It also requires knowing when to stay home and nurture those babies and squeeze every ounce out of those fleeting childhood moments.
Everyone lives the life they choose, and for me, it lies somewhere in the middle of these two opposite worlds. It is where I belong. We live in a stable, quiet community where our children can thrive, and we have a network of friends who like to have fun. I have happy, well-adjusted kids, and I have amazing friends. I would never be truly happy giving up one for the other. And at the same time, I respect the lives that others have chosen to live as well. I would just ask that they do the same and not judge me. And more than that, I wish the gap wasn't so large between the various camps.
To answer the question posed in the article, how does having children affect a marriage? The answer is Profoundly. And forever. And as much as you allow it to. And hopefully, if you are as lucky as I, you will be able to be who you are, and have a partner for the journey who makes the experience as incredible and amazing as my husband has.
To say that these are two separate worlds is truly an understatement. As much as I would love to blend them together, it never really fits. It is more like that pair of really cute shoes that you buy even though they pinch..... The thing is, you can never be quite free and uninhibited for the non-parent crowd, and you can never be quite super-mom enough for the suburban mommy set.
I live in a community of Stepford Wife Super Moms. If you want to feel inadequate about your parenting, move here. Maybe it is just my insecurities speaking, but I feel surrounded to the point of choking by stay-at-home moms who do nothing other than run their over-scheduled toddlers from activity to activity. Of course there are exceptions, but for most of them it seems that their very lives have been reduced to nothing else.
On the other end of the spectrum, are my free-spirited childless friends. They are generally this way by choice and are happy with that. To them, I am the old-fuddy duddy who can't go out on a school night or doesn't fathom whisking off to Vegas for the weekend. I am the one who needs notice to make it out on a Saturday night.
Somewhere in the middle is me. But the thing is, it is just where I belong. I am not sure I would ever be content to be squarely in either category. We had kids young, young enough I suppose to not truly appreciate how exhausted and inexperienced we were at the time. We made mistakes, learned from them, and grew into an indestructible unit. Now my carefree side needs to have crazy nights out with wine and dancing, and the other side loves my children deeply and infinitely and cherishes quiet nights reading stories and playing board games by the fire. The women who gave me the most pressure to go out to the club when I was a young mom who spent Saturday nights home with my baby, are the same ones who look down on me now when I choose to trust a family member to watch my not-so-little ones while I enjoy an evening out.
I think the key to this balance for me lies in the fact that I have such a supportive husband who is an active parent. He does NOT call caring for his children "babysitting." He trusts me inherently and knows that at some point in even the wildest nights out, all I want to do is get home and lie in his arms. We both know that being parents does not mean surrendering your entire former self to the job. It also requires knowing when to stay home and nurture those babies and squeeze every ounce out of those fleeting childhood moments.
Everyone lives the life they choose, and for me, it lies somewhere in the middle of these two opposite worlds. It is where I belong. We live in a stable, quiet community where our children can thrive, and we have a network of friends who like to have fun. I have happy, well-adjusted kids, and I have amazing friends. I would never be truly happy giving up one for the other. And at the same time, I respect the lives that others have chosen to live as well. I would just ask that they do the same and not judge me. And more than that, I wish the gap wasn't so large between the various camps.
To answer the question posed in the article, how does having children affect a marriage? The answer is Profoundly. And forever. And as much as you allow it to. And hopefully, if you are as lucky as I, you will be able to be who you are, and have a partner for the journey who makes the experience as incredible and amazing as my husband has.
Jan 31, 2010
faith
I have incredible faith. It is what has carried me through my entire life. When I have been the most lost, it is what has guided me. I don't understand why it seems that there are so many rough roads I must travel in life to reach my destination, but it has always been my journey. I have to be broken down before I can be built up. It is why I have such a deep appreciation for what I have and it is also why I always have the resolve to continue forward.
Jan 6, 2010
onion
I was going through my archives, and found the following in my drafts, which I wrote last year.......... wrestling as I always do, with who I am and where I fit in this world. All I know is that it is a constant search, and a journey I may be on for the rest of my life. But as long as I keep moving forward, the discovery will be worth the effort.
=================================
Sometimes I feel like an onion who is not able to peel away the layers. It's like I know they are there, but don't feel safe to expose the center. I feel like my time has come to get right with myself and true to myself. It seems as though the more I am able to see my true self the more I am realize that not everything I am doing fits just right, and at the same time I see more clearly the areas that I enjoy and can put more attention into. There are some things that need to change. I wish I had the courage to move ahead. Sometimes I can be so strong, but mostly I feel so weak. I think that sometimes it takes a long time to get to the point where you see the truth, and then the next step is mustering the courage to take action on it. I am starting to see that the layers need to be peeled, I just need the strength it will take to peel them.
=================================
Sometimes I feel like an onion who is not able to peel away the layers. It's like I know they are there, but don't feel safe to expose the center. I feel like my time has come to get right with myself and true to myself. It seems as though the more I am able to see my true self the more I am realize that not everything I am doing fits just right, and at the same time I see more clearly the areas that I enjoy and can put more attention into. There are some things that need to change. I wish I had the courage to move ahead. Sometimes I can be so strong, but mostly I feel so weak. I think that sometimes it takes a long time to get to the point where you see the truth, and then the next step is mustering the courage to take action on it. I am starting to see that the layers need to be peeled, I just need the strength it will take to peel them.
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