beauty

What is beauty?

There truly is beauty in everyday moments.

A deep heartfelt belly laugh is beautiful.

A raindrop falling from a flower petal is beautiful.

A child's smile.  Beautiful.

There is beauty in strength.  And perseverance.

Love is beautiful.

Beauty can be found in the moments before the rain begins to fall.

Technology and the power and knowledge it provides is beautiful to me.

Sunshine on a summer afternoon is beautiful.

Beauty can be seen in the promise of a new day.

Overcoming obstacles provides bountiful beauty.

So much beauty comes from Christmas and all of its sparkle.

Friendship is beauty.

Motherhood is so messy and touching and beautiful.

Peaceful quiet moments are beautiful.

Beauty is all around us.  Every day.  All the time.

I see it.  Do you?

insecurity

We all know that blogging has lost stamina, and even more so has gone the way of Twitter, Facebook, etc etc.... But by request here I am.

It's hard for me to be consistent, not because the stories aren't there, not because I have nothing to say, but mostly because I don't always want to put it all out there where it can hurt or where I would be held accountable to the feelings.

I am hypersensitive and overly-protective when it comes to my feelings and thoughts.  I am more critical of myself than anyone could ever be, but at the same time I have a hard time believing that the whole world isn't looking at me through the same critical microscope that I view myself.

Regardless, my days are spent just trying to get by.  Keep everybody happy.  Try to let go of the fact that I can't remotely possibly keep up with my house.  Get everyone where they need to be.  Keep all the crying to a minimum.  Chase the paperwork, the voicemails, the emails, the red tape.  Make our dollar stretch until you can see through it.  Placate placate placate.

I  try to stay awake to enjoy the few quiet minutes I have to myself.  I wonder if I am missed as much as I miss.  I try to understand my place and why it is never where I think it could or should be.  Wonder why I am forgotten or left out.  I create my own family network out of those who can take it and those who get it and those who make it valuable and worthwhile.

I am tragically insecure.

who i am

I am guarded.  I am loud.  I love to talk, and I love to listen.  I observe and analyze and analyze and analyze.  I hate the cold and the dark and the snow.  I get depressed and sad and lonely.  I am not good at making or keeping friends.  I try so hard, but people don't know it.  They just think I am ignoring them or trying too hard or I don't know what or not at all.  They don't know how difficult it is sometimes.  I keep my heart locked in a box in a cave in a secret world that is not found on any map.  I smile and laugh to mask my pain.  I feel love and admiration.  I feel jealousy and hurt.  I have a million unfulfilled dreams.  I am desperate to have the things I can't, and hate myself for it.  I am always the third priority.  I am trying to give it all I can.  Sometimes a person's best is never good enough.

nonsense

I have been to various doctors' offices about a dozen times in the past several weeks.  And it's not over yet.  Sometimes I get real tired of all this nonsense, but I really need to get better, so I am pushing on.

The kitten is snoring.  I've never heard her do that before.  The older cat snores all the time.  Weird.

My neck hurts.

I was gluing a craft project, and now I have a headache.  I think I needed to get away from the glue sooner than I did.

The car needs gas.

I am going to WalMart in the morning, and I don't think I've been there in a while.  I made a list.  I hope I stick to it.  When I go into stores like WalMart I walk up and down all of the aisles, and I don't have time for that.

I need car snacks and table snacks for the trip.  I can't remember if we will have a refrigerator or not.  I don't think we do.

I bet I laugh super hard all weekend long.  I can't wait for that.

I haven't been home enough from my last trip to be leaving again.  I am going to miss my family a ton.  And I'm even going to miss being at cheerleading.  Never thought I'd say that.

My husband did the laundry because he is awesome.  He knew I needed clean clothes for the trip.

My favorite road trip food is twizzlers.

The last time we went there we got all kinds of lost.  And I think we were using GPS.

I appear to be GPS challenged.

I have like ten overdue library books.

Maybe I will go out for breakfast tomorrow to motivate myself to get out and get my errands done.  Maybe Kelli has the morning off and we can go see Teresa at work.  Which is a nonsense idea because I don't have time or money for all that.

My neck REALLY hurts, and I need to go take something for it.

It is so quiet and peaceful in here right now.

I have so many things I am worrying about right now.  Soooo many things.

I'm trying to write more.  Are you reading more?  Please comment more.  I like that.

My blog post titles are never capitalized, which I guess I do on purpose, but I have absolutely no reason for doing so.

If you're still with me, thank you for following along and reading all this nonsense.  That is the third time I used the word nonsense in this entry.

lean

Oh my goodness - I have a blog!!  I forgot for a minute.........  Oh well, here I am again.   I don't even have anything to say.  I just figured I better check in.  I see that I left you with some lovely snow to look at.  I guess I should be about changing that.  Maybe a project for next week. 

I am blown away lately at how fast things change.  And how people change.  And also how much some people NEVER change.  I am an astute observer - I notice every little detail about things.  A question was recently posed about whether one is or is not a diva.  I think I can be.  Because I am always noticing everything, I am painfully aware when things are out of place or not as they should be.  I don't always feel it necessary to comment, and I actually think I do not advocate as much as I should for some things, but I am always aware.  I always notice.

In contrast to that, or maybe because of it, I have been moving around in a bit of a numb state.  Trying to detox, to shed the old skin, and grow into the next phase.  Not sure where that is leading me at the moment, but feeling the shift and leaning into it all the same.

random thoughts by me in this exact moment in time

I am feeling more than just a little compelled to write, and have some things I want to talk about, but not finding the capability to formulate my thoughts into words. Thus, consider this a return to my stream of consciousness posting.

It wasn't until within the last year that I really understood the depth that I do not stand up for myself. It is a struggle, anxiety producing, stomach turning exercise for me. I wonder if I will ever be truly capable of being effective at it.

I miss my babies. They are out with Nana and PopPop, and I feel like this big hole with them gone. Still living it up as only I can do, but miss them with an indescribable ache.

In the meantime I am redocorating the house, having wild parties, and getting tattooed. That's me being me.

I think my inability to start taking off some of this weight is mental. I just can't pinpoint the exact thing that's blocking me.

I love argyle socks.

If I could buy a pill that prevented my cats from shedding, I would do it instantly and pay almost any price.

Also, can someone explain to me what is happening with their territories lately? They are in the middle of some kind of re-zoning. It's obnoxious.

I wish my feet were different so I could wear cuter shoes.

Here is a list of the things on my mind right now:
meditation
career
what is satisfied?
hypnobirthing
budget
vacation
wine
friendship
cycles
seven


Peace OUT.

stream of consciousness

Well, the pie is finally all gone. Thank goodness. Although it really is too late now, isn't it? I'll be facing that big bad scale in the morning, and I'm sure it won't be pretty. I better get it in gear in this small lull between pie and cookies, don'cha think? Not a big window there, so I better take advantage. Ugh! Where'd all that amazing will power I had going for me get off to? Darn it.

I know how to cook and bake, do both all the time, but I've never made pie. What is that? People don't make pie anymore. Used to be pie was an institution - for a new neighbor, new baby, picnic, dessert... When's the last time you made a non-Thanksgiving pie? Mmm hmm. When my parents moved into their new house their neighbor brought them over a pie. And then they invited my parents over for a neighborhood picnic. Clearly this man was running for office. (He did win though).

So what is it with finishing things? I'm a starter. Not a finisher. Finishing is not really my thing. I have a crapload of things that need finishing right now. When is that point in your life when you can just sit back and relax and enjoy? Never? Oh, okay. I think that I am going to make a list of three things that need finishing tomorrow, and then I will just finish them. Sound good? (Yeah, I'm not buying it either. LOL!) #1. Finish my Christmas card. Ok then, START my Christmas card. I've got the whole thing in my head. Just need to get it down on paper. No problem. #2. Balance my checkbook. This shouldn't be the crazy out-of-control task that it is but hey. It is what it is. #3. Send out my mail. Really no excuse for this one either, and should be an easy one to cross off the list. So there you have it. Hold me accountable, k?

This room is freezing. Like my-fingers-are-too-stiff-to-type freezing. I can't take it. And it snowed today. Not true, plow the streets, call off school snow. But enough that I should have brushed off my car (I didn't). And then we saw deer in the back yard. A doe and two bucks. Nature, I tell ya.

So, things still aren't going the way I had hoped, but they're going good, I guess. What more can I say? It's out of my hands. I still have so much learning to do I think. My priorities have certainly changed, I can tell you that.

Hey Meg! I'm still here. Just wanted to give you a shout out - HOLLA!! (What the???) Catch me on IM soon. You make me laugh!

A lovely old man told me that my smile brightened his whole day. It was a beautiful compliment. And THAT brightened my whole day right back.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I wish I knew that. I should by now. I'm still working it all out. I guess my true answer would be financially secure, and HAPPY. I'm 50% there. Cause if there is one thing I have learned over the past years is that I must choose to be happy and I am thankful for all that I have. I have love. I have family. I have friends. The rest will work itself out.