one sentence: #9

I have been in a sad and painful coma for almost a week now, and I think it is finally time to snap out of it.

one sentence: #7

I feel like if I can't get healthy, I will never become the person I want to be.

my journey begins

I feel like I have all these words inside me that need to come out.

I feel like I have all these emotions bottled up.

I feel like my real body is crowed underneath an ugly shell.

I feel like there is a deeper, better self that I have not yet reached.

I feel like my current version of success could be shadowed by my own greater future successes.

I feel like the damaged little girl in me has never been healed enough to grow into a healthy adult woman.

When I shed all the layers what will remain?

Will I know how to be the person underneath, and feel the true feelings, and sense the world in a pure, raw way?

Am I capable of making the connections that a soul requires to truly be alive?

Will I allow myself to be loved?

Am I capable of loving?

Who am I, and who will I be able to be?

reactions

It has been interesting to see the reactions of putting my life out there more.  I learn about people by their reactions.

This journey has taught me a lot about myself, and it has taught me a lot about those around me.

My family is rock steady.  They never know day to day what wife/mommy they are going to come home to.  They can't count on me always being able to do the things I tell them they will do.  Sometimes I take care of them, sometimes they take care of me.  They have learned a compassion deeper than any I have ever known.  I have shown them how to respect theirs and others abilities, how to be flexible, how to care for and love others in whatever ways they can each day.

Some people don't want to be or can't handle being a friend with someone like me.  That's okay with me, because I don't have the energy to waste on people who don't love me for me.  My deepest and closest friendships are with those who forgive me my shortcomings, who sit with me and talk on days when that is what I can do, and who fly with me when I am ready for that.  I have one person I can call to take my kids on a moment's notice when my husband is driving me to the emergency room.  I'm sure there may be more than that, but I know I have one who lives close(ish) enough to help me and who I would actually call with no hesitation.

I explain how I feel so people understand what is going on behind my smile.  So people know that not every day is a good one.  So people realize that I do so much want to do more than I do, but that some days I just can't.  And that it hurts me more than anyone.

Sometimes I just need someone to cry with, you know?

But overall, I'm ok.  I am happy and appreciative and have been able to do so many good things.  And I thank you all for sharing some small piece of that with me.

fibro letter to normals - my love and attempt at an explanation to family and friends

I am writing this so that people who love me can understand, people who are curious can understand, and also maybe even to try to help myself understand.

I have spent years of my life tired and in pain and sad.  Only it is so much more than that.

I never admit that I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia because I have only ever heard negativity towards it.  But the thing is, it is real, and it really sucks.

I have noticed that over time, my good days have become fewer and farther between.  Good days are the days when I am able to wake up and function like a normal person or get the things done that I need to before I crash.  I think it is confusing for people to understand what it is like for me because they see me on days I am able to push through.  But on days when I just can't, I often have to let people down.  I hate when I have to do that.

I often can't settle into a comfortable sleep.  I have nightmares every night when I do sleep.  I toss and turn quite a bit.  I cannot even tell you the last time I woke up feeling at all refreshed.  Every day is a struggle to make myself start my day.  Getting myself ready to leave the house is an extremely exhausting experience for me.  I have to stop and sit often.  I am always late and I always hate myself for it.

I get in trouble at work because I am not consistent or reliable sometimes.  I am smart and have ambitions and I let myself down most of all for not being the educated career driven person I know I should be.  But for some reason I just can't let go of that and be a "disabled" person.  I'm not sure I will ever get to that place.  So I just keep trying.

I hate this whole thing.

I hate that I will never be the vibrant active person that I used to be.  I hate that my life and energy have been taken away from me.

I hate being in pain.

Sometimes I actually forget some of the pain I feel every day.  I have programmed myself not to notice I think.  There are these weird muscle spasms and random sharp pains and tender points that are always stressed and I just have to make myself ignore it most of the time to get through the day.  I have days where I simply can't get out of bed or lift my arms or climb the stairs.  Those days are the scariest.

I get embarrassed because I feel like people just think I'm lazy.  I push myself to do as much as I can, but sometimes I just can't walk that far or stand that long or wake up.  Sometimes I push through and find a way to force myself to do things, and then I end up having to sleep for days straight afterwards.

All of this makes me depressed.  I hate that part too.  But I think that feeling this way for as long as I have would get most people down.

My toes are numb.  My hands ache.  Some days I can't grasp things like a pencil or drop glasses because I can't hold on to them.  That is probably the thing that I have been scared of most lately.

My body does not tolerate transitions well.  Going in and out and in and out make me uncomfortable and pained.  I am sensitive to lighting and temperature and particularly humidity.  I can feel the changes from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.  And guess what?  I know that I'm sweating.  You don't have to tell me.  But you can hand me a fan or a towel and I will be extremely grateful.

I mourn the kind of person I should have been in this world.  I will never know her.  She had my smarts and my wit - but she could DO things.  She didn't let people down.

I know that my family is a blessing to me and that they get me through this.  I wish I knew there would be some way to repay them.  I give what I can of my good days to them.  And I know that they deserve better.

I am glad for the friends who are there to share the good days with me.  Inside I will always be a fun-loving thrill seeker.  I appreciate being able to let loose and dance when I can and that I have people to do it with.  I hope somehow they can forgive me for the times when I can't do this or be this way.  I hope they know that on some days I am just as happy to be there and watch them do things I used to be able to do.  And to laugh with them.  The laughing keeps me sane most of the time.

I count on people to remind me who I am.  I feel such deep gratitude towards those who can just take me as I am and enjoy me anyway.

I feel trapped in myself and it is a scary feeling.  My body is like a prison.

I get so angry sometimes and it comes out in such strange ways and that makes me feel guilty.  I have never been able to understand the pressure and frustration that builds up inside me.

I let people down.  Every day.

And then I unfairly ask you to love me anyway.  Surely some part of me is still deserving of love.  I try to repay those who are able to do it, but not always very well or consistently.

Fribromyalgia.  This thing is real.  It is a disease.  It has stolen my abilities.  It is invisible.  It is hard for me to explain.  It has no cure.  Treatment is uncertain and changing and unreliable.

It is what I have, but it is not who I am.  I am still me inside.

health challenge: good choices

I am still plugging along with getting healthy.  I hit a few bumps with a ten day power outage - I didn't have the full means to refrigerate or cook healthy foods, and then like the fat kid that I am, I dealt with my frustrations by eating.

Regardless, I am back on the horse as they say.  Not easy, considering that right after the first big meal I cooked once the power came back on, the stove broke.  Seriously??  But that is just how it goes for me.

So, I am just plowing on.

I like feeling better.  I like looking better.  I don't like to lose.  And I refuse to give up on myself.

So, I would like to focus my attention right now on making good choices.  Choosing a glass of milk instead of a bowl of ice cream.  Choosing to stop eating when I am no longer hungry.  Choosing to keep myself away from my big temptations.  I will probably never be much of a salad eater, but that doesn't mean that I can't choose a nice healthy meal for dinner, and forsake the bread, dessert, and soda.

We are coming up on the biggest eating holiday of the year, and I need to be able to make it through without gaining a bazillion pounds.  That doesn't mean I am not going to partake in my favorite food group - gravy - it just means that I am not going to fall so far off my plan that I never go back.

I am laser focused right now, and I want to succeed.

health challenge: portion size

So as a challenge to myself, I am trying to get healthy.  This was spurred on by several things - being at my highest ever weight, looking gross in my clothes, overall feeling yucky, seeing pictures of myself and being horrified!!

To get started, I went back to the same food plan that has always worked for me.  It is easy to do, I don't feel deprived, there are plenty of food choices, and I'm not starving or thinking about food all the time.  Works for me.  So far I have dropped 15 pounds over the past month.

Detoxing off of sugar is the first thing I go through.  It only takes a couple of days before I don't have a taste for it any more.  I swear, sugar addiction is a real and powerful thing.  Look at anyone addicted to soda.  Try to deprive them of it for one day and see what happens.  Artificial sweeteners are almost worse - how about the Diet Coke people?  You could pry their sweet nectar from their cold dead hands......

After that, for me it is learning to control my portion size.  This is where my weight is truly controlled.  Somehow in my life I trained myself to eat and eat and eat to the point of near explosion!  Feeling sad?  Feed it.  Happy?  Stuff it!  Angry?  Eat eat eat and eat some more!  I've always wished I was more of an angry cleaner or exerciser instead of an angry eater.  But alas.... it is not to be.

Today I made chili.  Totally on my plan.  I hadn't really eaten anything else today (mistake) so I didn't really think about it too much when I heaped my bowl with the yummy cold weather comfort food.

And then it was way too late when I realized I had overeaten.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!?!?!?!

The rule I have followed in the past is to stop eating when no longer hungry.  This is a completely different feeling than eating until full or stuffed.  I think this is going to be the key for me this time around.  I mindlessly eat until my plate is empty, so I have to be conscious of what it is I am putting on my plate.  I have to think about the food, and realize when the hunger has been satiated.  And then I have to STOP EATING.

I don't feel good right now.  My belly wants to pop.  I am a little bit nauseated.  I am uncomfortable.  All things I do not aspire to be.  And definitely NOT what I need to be feeling to be successful.

So starting this week, my health challenge to myself is to control my portions.  I'll check back and let you know how it goes!

diagnosis.... pain = DUH!

Can someone explain to me just what it is that doctors do????

I have been having these recurring episodes where I have intense stomach pain and bloating to the point this past time that I was pretty much begging my husband to crash the car into a brick wall on our way to the hospital.  I am not a crier, and I spent a good twelve hours straight in tears before they were able to bring down my pain to a tolerable level.  (This also included bottoming out my blood pressure to its lowest point in my entire life, but I digress...)  It made labor seem like the good ol' days when I was feeling great!

But do I ever receive a diagnosis?  Do I ever learn how to stop whatever this is that keeps happening from ever happening again?  Ummmm...... no.  I believe my discharge paperwork again reads with a diagnosis of "abdominal pain."  Well, thank you very much for the insight!  I am so glad my $100 went to such good use!!

I am heading to my internist this week to harass them into giving me every single test that exists until they can tell me what's wrong with me.  This is going to be uncomfortable for me, because I know that they just want to calm my symptoms enough to send me on my way... not actually take the time to figure out what this is...... But after this last time, I just can't face the idea of ever going through that again.

I can't wait to see how this battle goes.  If I get my wish, I am probably going to regret it as I am being poked and prodded, but.......  If they can actual provide we with a diagnosis I will be glad I persisted!!!  After all, isn't that what all those years of medical school and all those thousands of dollars of insurance premiums are supposed to be for?!

winter funk

I am in such a huge funk!  I hate it!  Winter blues or some such.  Not feeling well isn't helping, I'm sure.  The rheumatologist is working hard on trying to make me feel better.  The cold is really making me achy and overall blah.  I'm going to try to go out of my way to get out, feel the sunshine on my face, and get my groove back.  If you are so inclined, please join me.  The more company, the better.

2010 round up

Here is this year's version of the quiz I have done in the past.......
 
2006

2007

What books and/or magazines did I read this year?
Real Simple.  Travel + Leisure.  A million and one chick lit books.  I finished tons of books I have started and never finished.  That was the biggest accomplishment.

What movies and/or tv shows did I watch this year?
Greys.  I found the season finale two of the most intense hours of television I have ever watched.  I have healed along with Yang.  When she said "Being a hero has its price."  Some of the most truthful piercing words ever uttered.  Feeling the sunlight on her face and remembering to let go and embrace the tears.  Waiting for my Meredith to stand by my side and lay on the floor of the ER with me.  Where is she?

What special days did I celebrate and how?
Ten year wedding anniversary on my favorite place on Earth - Cape Cod.  Stood on the beach in front of the sunset with my favorite people to recommit myself to my true love.

What gifts did I give and/or receive?
I have crafted lots of things this year.  Hopefully they are appreciated by their recipients.  Made with love for sure.

What illnesses or health concerns did I have?
Everything.  Doctors trying to help me find my baseline.  My normal.  I haven't seen it in years.  Feels like an elusive goal right now.  Getting there piece by piece.  Part of a sacrifice I made that can never be recovered.

What fun things did I do with my friends and/or family?
The summer of sun.  Beach, beach, and more beach.  Wake up, pack a cooler, sit on the beach.  Hang with family and friends. The perfect summer.

What new foods, recipes or restaurants did I try this year?
Hibachi.  We all love it except Curly Q who jumps back every time the fire flames up.  More sake, more happy.

What special or unusual purchases did I make?
Cars!!  About frakkin time.  Both cars practically fell apart seconds before being traded in.  Totally could not afford it, but really had no choice.

What were this year's disappointments?
I have realized that sometimes I just cannot count on others.  It really is up to me.

What were my accomplishments this year?
Putting myself first and doing what mattered to me.  Standing up for myself.  Being my own damn cheerleader.  Becoming more of the wife and mother I know I can be.  Spending more time with my family, and enjoying more time with my friends who are there for me.  Lots of discovery.

Anything else noteworthy to record?
I am on an upswing I think.  I have only good wishes and expectations for 2011.  I am becoming the me I know I can be. 

 

down with the sickness

Oh my goodness...... I feel like garbage.  Breathing is so much more challenging than it needs to be.  Nothing is helping.  I am so overly medicated right now.  I am definitely going to have to visit the pharmacy, sign away a child, and get the good stuff.

I just want it to end.

I am so minimally exposed to people, I can't even believe I caught this thing!  I am so disappointed!

I have a feeling my immune system is compromised by my state of mind.  I think this is how the stress is manifesting itself.

Hopefully all of it exits quickly.  Because I am so NOT down with the sickness.

diagnosis

The problem with doctors is that they never have enough information.  The problem with the internet is that it has too much.  I am forever self-diagnosing myself with things.  Extreme things.  Unlikely things.  I think the most recent is Lupus.  (haha!!)

I think this self-diagnosis, for me at least, is that I can explore several opinions all at once.  I can see which things match my symptoms, and I can see which symptoms are typical of different diseases.  I don't know about you, but for the past decade or so, every time I have gotten desperate enough to take my ailments to a medical professional, I am looked over, hear "Uh huh, uh huh," and am prescribed an antibiotic or physical therapy to fix that UNKNOWN ailment right up.  NO DIAGNOSIS.

And don't even get me started on the whole "You want to see your DR???  Uh no.  You can see a PA or nurse practitioner, who is 5 minutes out of college and has less of a  freakin' clue what's wrong with you than even the doctor does."  And oh, don't forget to write your copay check on your way out the door, thankyouverymuch.

One of my personal frustrations with this tireless process is that I tend not to have typical reactions to things.  For example, I normally have a low blood pressure, so by the time a doctor decides it is high, my heart has practically beaten right out of my chest.  And EVERY SINGLE TIME I am seen by a doctor for any reason, they ask me if I have had my thyroid checked.  And then they send me for the bloodwork, and later tell me my results are "normal."  For whom??  If my symptoms are enough to flag every doctor to the problem, then perhaps my baseline is not in the normal range!  But when I suggest such a thing, I am summarily dismissed.

My last visit to the ER was on Thanksgiving, and was only at the insistence of my entire extended family.  After enough pressure, I went.  An exam by a PA, a chest x-ray, an EKG, blood test for Lyme Disease and some other unknown ailments, and an exam by a doctor who never let me finish an answer to his rapid fire questions and refusal to look me in the eye later........  I left with a prescription for an antibiotic and no diagnosis.  Somewhere after all the exams and waiting to be discharged, I began to unleash my fury at the inept medical system on my husband, mother, and sister.  My sister who will hopefully become my doctor once she completes medical school, and was able to obtain me a diagnosis with two second opinions via text message as she sat and watched the debacle unfold in front of her.

And I guess I am not dying from anything, since they never called me with any blood work results.  (*insert eyeroll here*)

So as I sit here in wait of doctors to yet again interpret what is not within normal levels (for whom???) and avoid self-diagnosing and mapping every possible scenario, there is nothing I can do but trust my body to do what I know it can do, and trust God to provide as only he can, and continue to have faith. 

the gift of hypnobirthing

One of the great gifts I received during my surrogacy was the skill of hypnobirthing.

At the time, I don't know if I really even knew what it was.  I think for a brief moment I thought that it had something to do with giving birth in water.  (Yeah, I know.)  My friends were gracious enough to send my husband and I to the class, and stayed with my kids while we were at the classes.

With my first pregnancy, I took two different classes (funny that - one with my husband, and one with my friend for whom I was now carrying her child).  They were typical childbirth education classes - taught us the stages of labor, breathing exercises, the screaming ugly birth video.

The learnings were all rendered useless when my three day labor with no progression turned into a Cesarean Section.  My naive, overly analytic self upon hearing the declaration by my doctor that surgery was inevitable, actually reached over for my What to Expect book and began frantically flipping the pages to the surgery chapter.

The next baby arrived after another three day labor, but this time I was adamant to bring her into the world without surgical intervention.  I did this with the help of a lovely epidural overdose (Push???  Doctor, I can't feel my body from the waist down.....)

One of the things our hypnobirthing instructor spent a lot of time emphasizing was the importance of advocating for yourself.  This was a very important message for me to hear, as although I am not necessarily shy about voicing my opinion on an issue, I am not at all skilled at getting what I need.  People generally blindly follow their doctor's advice for many reasons - they are supposed to be the experts.  And of course they are.  But they are not the expert at what is going on with MY body.  Which is why hearing the reminders to listen to my body, work with it, and ASK FOR WHAT I NEED AND WANT was such an important one.  It was a lesson that came into play when enforcing my birth plan and insisting on the VBAC my doctor and I agreed upon when the on-call doctor disagreed with the decision.  I respectfully yet sternly insisted that my wishes were adhered to.  (Not to mention an incredible support system that were able to stand up for me in times of weakness.  This is also a big part of the program and how it works most successfully.)

The heart of the pain management techniques were to work with your body.  It seems obvious, but think about it the next time you are getting a shot or giving blood.  Your instinct is to tense up.  Tensing and fighting what is happening increases the pain experience.  Relaxing, breathing, and working with your body can help to alleviate it.  Fighting against and agonizing over every contraction can make them more painful and less productive.  The key is working with your body to do what it is naturally designed to do.

The self-hynosis techniques that I learned gave me tools to redirect myself out of the experience and to give my subconscious mind another place to be without allowing my conscious brain to focus on the pain.  It was incredible to be able to be in full control of my experience.  It was empowering in a way that I would never have imagined.  And best of all, it was a three hour labor, completely in contrast from the bloody, painful, screaming childbirth image that most people have.  It was blessed, peaceful, quiet.  Strong.  Everything that it should be.

I have been able to use what I learned then many times over.  Whenever I am nervous I have tools to relax and calm myself down.  Whenever I need to deal with physical pain, I am able to redirect my mind away from the present and get through it easier.  If you had asked me a few years ago what it felt like to get a tattoo, I would have told you it was a dreadful stabbing experience.  When I got a new one a few months ago I was barely aware of what was happening, and felt minimal discomfort.  The same for shots or bloodwork.  I was the child who ran screaming from the examining room.  Now I don't tense, remember to breathe, and it's over before I have a chance to feel a thing.

I never dreamed that what I went into with such skepticism would end up becoming a lifelong skill.  I am very thankful for that!

this is what anxiety looks like

This is what anxiety looks like.......

"Call me!"
"Ok!"
They want me to call. I'm going to call. Where's the phone? The cell doesn't get a good signal here. I want to talk to this person. What do I have to do for the rest of the night? I'm going to sort that pile of papers. I need to make this call. Do I know what I am going to say? Am I going to sound weird? I am going to say something stupid. I don't want to talk. I hate the stupid phone. I never know how to gracefully end the call. Maybe we can text/email/facebook/im instead. Why do they want to talk to me? I want to talk. I can't talk. Maybe we can meet up for coffee.



"Would you like to come over for dinner?"
"Sure."
What the heck should I make for dinner? I can only make pasta. Nobody wants to eat that. It is too ordinary. I know how to cook. I am a good cook! Why can't I think of any ideas? What if I cook something and it doesn't come out right? What if I try something new and it's gross? I have no idea what to do. Is my house clean? Am I going to be able to clean it in time? I don't have any groceries in the house. Should I make dessert? I think I am going to be sick.
"How about we go out for dinner instead?"
"Uh, ok?"


"Did you get that report finished?"
"Not yet. I will have it to you by tomorrow."
I should turn it in the way it is. But it is not perfect. It needs so much work. I need to edit it. I read an article once that had a great quote that I could include. Maybe I could put this into a presentation format that will really impress them! I just found another error. I am going to rewrite this paragraph. Now it doesn't make sense. I am going to add another section. This needs an image. I don't have enough time! Why are they pressuring me! They don't respect me! They think I'm an idiot!! I need a new job.



"What a crazy night! You guys were a mess! Did you see the pictures?"
"Oh. Yeah. It was fun."
OMG. Was I too drunk? Too loud? Did I offend someone? Did I say something stupid? I shouldn't have said that to her. Now she's probably mad at me. Did I buy enough rounds? Was I polite? Are they sick of me? They aren't going to invite me back. Everyone thinks I look fat in the pictures. Because I am fat. Did I eat too much when we were out? I spilled and now everyone thinks I am a sloppy jerk. I am disgusting.



I am so tired. I can't sleep. I have too much to do to lay down now. If I don't go to bed now I will not be able to wake up on time. I never wake up on time. I am a loser. I can never do anything right. Ugh. I wonder who else is up. Do you think anyone would want to talk to me? Doubt it. I am not funny, or smart, and I am mean. I don't have any friends because of that. This week is never going to end. Time passes too quickly though. I wonder if I have any clean jeans to wear tomorrow. If we go out this weekend I am not going to have anything to wear and I am going to look fat and gross. I am not going to go anywhere ever. I am sooooo tired. I need to fall asleep right now or I'm not going to have more than 3 and 1/2 hours of sleep. I can't stop thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking. I need to count. 100....99......98......97.......96.......95.......94........................................................

surrogacy, ivf, hormones, and all the stuff they don't talk about

I was talking with a mom this week about the after affects of IVF. She used IVF to conceive her daughter, and two years later is still struggling with issues associated with it. I have the same problem. Talking with her was like having light bulb after light bulb go on. First of all, it's been TWO years, and nobody has talked to me about this? Strange. Secondly, if this is a common or "normal" after effect, why have I never heard about it from anyone? My research on any topic borders on obsessive. I read and read until I can't read anymore about everything. I don't recall ever reading anything about this beforehand. What I know is, something changed.

I went into the surrogacy with what I would call a hypersensitivity to hormone levels and changes to begin with. This was further supported by the fertility doctors inability to get an accurate handle on what my body was doing and how it was reacting to hormone treatments for three cycles before having the confidence to proceed with the embryo transfer. And of course the implantation was successful on the first attempt. So with that in mind, I already had somewhat of an awareness that I was particularly sensitive to hormone shifts.

The science involved to be a gestational surrogate are what can only be described as unnatural. I was taking one course of hormones to produce an optimal uterine lining for embryo implantation while simultaneously taking a course of hormones to stop ovulation. It was putting my body out of sync with itself - working against itself if you will. How anyone discovered and perfected such a process is a miracle to me.

While having an understanding of this process going in, there was no discussion about what might happen after the fact. The pregnancy was normal. I was certainly sicker during the first trimester as I was still on hormone supplements during that time. Once I was off of them though, it was pretty typical. The labor and delivery was different than my first two, but I think that was independent of the fact that it was a surrogacy. Each delivery I have had has provided a chance to learn and improve. I would call this last one my most empowering and was such a wonderful accomplishment to me to do it without medical intervention. So much so I think that I would be thankful to do it again.

The postpartum period was horrific - due to several contributing factors. It wasn't until speaking with a friend who had experienced a late term miscarriage vocalized it for me that I understood some of what I was feeling. She reminded me that my body was reacting like I was caring for a new baby, but was not. I was tired mentally and physically, and my milk coming in was distressing in a way I cannot describe. I did not sleep at night, didn't eat. The things that distract one from a typical PPD were not there - forcing yourself to care for the baby, entertain visitors, preparing a nursery, etc. I was left with my postpartum body and my thoughts. I got over it by returning to work, healing, spending time with friends, therapy, medication.

Two years later though the hormonal changes are still there. Every pregnancy leaves its mark, there are always changes. This time I feel like my hormones are simply out of balance. I can't change from one environment to the other - hot to cold, inside to outside, high humidity to low - and I start sweating uncontrollably. My skin is sooooo dry. My hair has changed texture. I CANNOT lose weight. I am frequently tired and worn out. I am NOT depressed. I have been depressed, and this is not it.

Expressing these concerns with my doctors has resulted in testing with results of "normal." I may have NEVER been normal, but I am quite certain that THIS isn't it. I would put some effort into pursuing an endocrinologist, but just can't work the effort into this venture yet.

I can't imagine that I am not alone in what has happened to me, and discussing it this week with the other mom only confirmed that. I am not sure what the next step will be. If this family honors me with the opportunity to surrogate for them again, I would know better what to expect. There are so many reasons that an experienced surrogate is better than a first timer, although I had no idea of this going in. We'll have to see what happens.

I haven't had the opportunity to be as involved as I would like in their lives since they had the baby. This is the function of many things. It's ok, and probably for the best I suppose. It is not exactly as I might have imagined that though. We are at the age that the divide between those of us with older children, those of us with babies and toddlers, and those of us with no children at all becomes more obvious. I've been on all sides of it, and can understand.

Because of our intersecting circles, most of our friends don't really talk about it in terms of the surrogacy, only in regards to the baby. This is the way it should be for them I think. For me though, it helps to talk about things. I have a decreasingly small group of people who listen and talk with me and work through the real stuff. I like to talk about it though. It is not upsetting to me. Even if some of this stuff sounds negative or bad, it's really not. They are just the reality of what happens. And people should know. Maybe someone new doing this will google the right terms and come up with the post and know a little more what to expect. I welcome comments and questions, and any discussion that follows.

super bug

I have some kind of sickness thing and I just can't shake it. It must be Super Bug, or Pneumonia or Bird Flu or something. (I'm clearly over-diagnosing myself - it's a joke, people!) I caught this in Florida where the only people on vacation were us and a bunch of Europeans. So I blame Europe. I have some crazy Mad Cow kind of uncurable overseas disease.

So it goes like this - I feel fine, then I get the sniffles, then I can't breath, then I am too weak to stand and a little nauseated. Then I sleep for two days straight and feel better for a few days and then start the cycle all over again. I want off this ride cause I'm getting dizzy.

Meanwhile, I am still hanging in there with school. Because one of my courses meets in four hour blocks it ends earlier in the semester than the other courses. We had our final last night. If I didn't get a B+ or an A in this course I will be surprised. So all is well on that front. Now I am working on a group project for another class. I hate group projects. They are such a waste of time. I'm sure all of you teachers out there can justify why this is a necessary exercise, and I'm sure your points are valid - But I still don't like it, and find it to be a great waste of MY time. Unfortunately though, sometimes you just have to play the game, so to speak. Six or so more weeks to go!!

in honor of kathy

I know I've been gone for awhile - I hope you all haven't forgotten about me.

We lost Kathy last week to pancreatic cancer, and the whole thing has just been awful. She was too young, too vibrant, too good. We know that she fought the good fight to the very end and that it was time for God to end her pain, but that doesn't make it any easier. I think my DD put it best - "I HATE cancer. She should never have had cancer in the first place."

Her daughter, my friend, has had to step up to the plate and handle details and make decisions that nobody our age should ever have to think about. She has done everything with such grace and strength, and I am PROUD of her. It will be a long, long time before things can be normal for her again, if they ever are, but I know that she will be okay. This girl has had more thrown at her in her lifetime than anyone ever should, but she always gets through it somehow. I am in awe of her. She is an amazing testament to her mother - she exudes the same qualities of beauty, strength, happiness, and love. She doesn't see it now, she can't, but she will honor her mother not only by emulating these traits, but by spreading them to those she loves and by passing them forward. This is how Kathy's dynamic legacy will live on.

If you are so inclined as you read this please take a moment to say a prayer for this family. Thank you.

i hab a cold id my dose

Somehow we just can't shake the sickness from this household. It's getting quite ridiculous actually. Generally speaking we are a healthy family, and it's not like any of us are dying or anything. But it just won't go away! I've been hanging onto some coughy, sneezy, runny, cold thing like it's a security blanket or something. I noticed DH more than a few times looking at me with that pitiful look this week. He keeps asking me things like "So what did the doctor say?" or "Wouldn't it be good if you could take something for that?" I think what he really means is "It sure would be nice to be able to kiss my wife without having to swim through a sea of tissues to get to her face," but he's too much of a gentleman to say it out loud.

Meanwhile, I'm just going to drink lots of liquids, keep taking my vitamins, and hug my box of Puffs Plus like it's my newborn baby. At least the kids have already had it, they shouldn't get it again, right? RIGHT???