christmas magic

The first month of being a foster parent is much like the first month with a newborn baby.  It is a hazy, sleepless, exhausting blur that you are not really meant to remember clearly so that you will actually consider doing this crazy thing again someday.  I swear I didn't think I was going to make it, and the redeeming moments of the process were few and far between.

Lately though, and with some time and trust and familiarity and growth and stability, the challenges have started to lessen and the rewards have begun to grow.

I tend towards being a Christmas obsessed freak, and these two new little ones have never seen a Christmas the likes of which I put on.  Their excitement of it is so enlightening.  There is a constant state of wonderment around it all.  Each decoration I put out is greeted with happy squeals and each event we think of is cheerfully attended.

I understand that children come in to foster care under unfortunate circumstances, but it is just unacceptable to not know who Rudolph is.  Or the words to any Christmas carols.  There is just entirely too many songs to learn and television to watch before the 25th!  :)

Every time a new Amazon box lands on the doorstep, Miss B gets so giddy.  "Is that for me?!  What is it? I'm gonna shake it!" followed by lots of happy giggles.  One of my love languages is most definitely gifts, and I derive so much delight from finding the right gift for a person as an expression of my love for them.  To have an equally excited recipient just makes the whole process that much more enjoyable for me.

The shrieks of joy when they caught the first glimpse of the Christmas train was absolutely incredible.  A couple minutes into our ride Mr B cries out "I'm so EXCITED!!!!"  It made an otherwise ordinary event so special.  Being able to talk to Santa, seeing lights as we drive down the street, choosing and cutting down a Christmas tree - it all is met with wonder and joy.

I am honored to be able to share these experiences with them.  Their happiness each day is all the reward I need for what we are doing.  There is nothing like getting to see Christmas magic through the eyes of these children.  What a blessing this has been.

health challenge: good choices

I am still plugging along with getting healthy.  I hit a few bumps with a ten day power outage - I didn't have the full means to refrigerate or cook healthy foods, and then like the fat kid that I am, I dealt with my frustrations by eating.

Regardless, I am back on the horse as they say.  Not easy, considering that right after the first big meal I cooked once the power came back on, the stove broke.  Seriously??  But that is just how it goes for me.

So, I am just plowing on.

I like feeling better.  I like looking better.  I don't like to lose.  And I refuse to give up on myself.

So, I would like to focus my attention right now on making good choices.  Choosing a glass of milk instead of a bowl of ice cream.  Choosing to stop eating when I am no longer hungry.  Choosing to keep myself away from my big temptations.  I will probably never be much of a salad eater, but that doesn't mean that I can't choose a nice healthy meal for dinner, and forsake the bread, dessert, and soda.

We are coming up on the biggest eating holiday of the year, and I need to be able to make it through without gaining a bazillion pounds.  That doesn't mean I am not going to partake in my favorite food group - gravy - it just means that I am not going to fall so far off my plan that I never go back.

I am laser focused right now, and I want to succeed.

beauty

What is beauty?

There truly is beauty in everyday moments.

A deep heartfelt belly laugh is beautiful.

A raindrop falling from a flower petal is beautiful.

A child's smile.  Beautiful.

There is beauty in strength.  And perseverance.

Love is beautiful.

Beauty can be found in the moments before the rain begins to fall.

Technology and the power and knowledge it provides is beautiful to me.

Sunshine on a summer afternoon is beautiful.

Beauty can be seen in the promise of a new day.

Overcoming obstacles provides bountiful beauty.

So much beauty comes from Christmas and all of its sparkle.

Friendship is beauty.

Motherhood is so messy and touching and beautiful.

Peaceful quiet moments are beautiful.

Beauty is all around us.  Every day.  All the time.

I see it.  Do you?

broken

I am pretty sure I don't have much of a following here anymore, so for the few of you who are left, allow me to share my innermost thoughts, k?  It's actually sort of comical that I am even putting this here, since what is on my mind today is trust.  And I know it's not exciting or funny or uplifting or very interesting to read, and not much like the brighter face I try to put on most of the time, but at some point I have to let it out.  And I'm sorry that this blog has been such an outlet for my darker thoughts, but I know that I need to say the words out loud once in a while in order to try to become whole.

I am pretty much the most distrustful person I know.  I don't trust anyone.  There is always at least a small piece of me that I keep locked up so that nobody can hurt it.  Even more so, I keep even bigger and more pieces locked up from the majority of people I know.  

I know I just talked about this here a month ago, but I am still trying to work out what this is and why it has become such a prominent issue in my life.  I need to put the words out into the universe so I can see them and try to understand.  

I feel like my trust issues have spilled out all over the place and are making a big sloppy mess of things.  I am way too negative and way too sensitive and torn between needing constant company and needing to push everyone away.  Loneliness overwhelms me most of the time.

I don't trust myself.  That is the worst part.  I always feel too exposed and unprotected, and I hate how this leads to getting hurt.  I am so overly sensitive to it that even the smallest betrayals hurt me way too deeply.  I just want to curl up in my little box and never be hurt again.

I question my own value and struggle with needing others to show it to me.  And that isn't anybody's job but my own.  But that part of me is broken.  So I wait for someone to want to be with me or talk to me or let me know that I matter.  And when they don't, which is inevitable, I allow myself to feel confirmed that I am not worthy.  I can't build relationships this way.  And because of that or a million other reasons that I am not a valuable friend or person, I am mostly alone.

How do you learn to trust?  I never learned.  I pretty much know what pieces of my history got me to this point, but that still doesn't give me the keys to overcoming it.  I hate how broken I am.

The worst part is that I worry that I won't be able to teach it to my children.  It is so vitally important to me to build this trust within them, but I'm not sure if I really know how.

I can't be happy this way, and I am always going to be alone.  It is desperately sad.  Somehow I need to learn how to change this.  And even though I know how crazy all of these thoughts must sound, starting to tell people what I am actually feeling is one way for me to start to learn.  And maybe someday, somehow, someone will understand me and love me anyway.