Nov 18, 2011


I am pretty sure I don't have much of a following here anymore, so for the few of you who are left, allow me to share my innermost thoughts, k?  It's actually sort of comical that I am even putting this here, since what is on my mind today is trust.  And I know it's not exciting or funny or uplifting or very interesting to read, and not much like the brighter face I try to put on most of the time, but at some point I have to let it out.  And I'm sorry that this blog has been such an outlet for my darker thoughts, but I know that I need to say the words out loud once in a while in order to try to become whole.

I am pretty much the most distrustful person I know.  I don't trust anyone.  There is always at least a small piece of me that I keep locked up so that nobody can hurt it.  Even more so, I keep even bigger and more pieces locked up from the majority of people I know.  

I know I just talked about this here a month ago, but I am still trying to work out what this is and why it has become such a prominent issue in my life.  I need to put the words out into the universe so I can see them and try to understand.  

I feel like my trust issues have spilled out all over the place and are making a big sloppy mess of things.  I am way too negative and way too sensitive and torn between needing constant company and needing to push everyone away.  Loneliness overwhelms me most of the time.

I don't trust myself.  That is the worst part.  I always feel too exposed and unprotected, and I hate how this leads to getting hurt.  I am so overly sensitive to it that even the smallest betrayals hurt me way too deeply.  I just want to curl up in my little box and never be hurt again.

I question my own value and struggle with needing others to show it to me.  And that isn't anybody's job but my own.  But that part of me is broken.  So I wait for someone to want to be with me or talk to me or let me know that I matter.  And when they don't, which is inevitable, I allow myself to feel confirmed that I am not worthy.  I can't build relationships this way.  And because of that or a million other reasons that I am not a valuable friend or person, I am mostly alone.

How do you learn to trust?  I never learned.  I pretty much know what pieces of my history got me to this point, but that still doesn't give me the keys to overcoming it.  I hate how broken I am.

The worst part is that I worry that I won't be able to teach it to my children.  It is so vitally important to me to build this trust within them, but I'm not sure if I really know how.

I can't be happy this way, and I am always going to be alone.  It is desperately sad.  Somehow I need to learn how to change this.  And even though I know how crazy all of these thoughts must sound, starting to tell people what I am actually feeling is one way for me to start to learn.  And maybe someday, somehow, someone will understand me and love me anyway.


~~Carrie Ann said...

Miriam, I'm reading. And praying for you, friend. I'm afraid I don't have any easy answers. Your pain is real and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It does help to write it make yourself vulnerable. And I hope that people who are near you in real life can help you see how valuable you really are. How precious you are because God created you. And to help you find ways to healing. I'm sure my words sound hollow. But I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you right now and praying for you. <3

tosin said...

Not hollow at all. Thank you for your words and thoughts. I hope we can meet again when you are home next year. It is a blessing to have met you and to know you!

Kaesmom said...

Oh Miriam, sweetheart. You are SO valuable to SO many! Your smile lights up a room. Your laughter is contagious. You have wonderful girls who are growing into wonderful women, and that's because of YOU. Please don't ever forget that!

agent713 said...

Way back when "everyone" was blogging, I added your blog to the Feedblitz reader. Now there are very few people still blogging but, if you do, I definitely read it when Feedblitz brings it to my inbox. I don't always comment, sometimes I just say a quick prayer, but I always, always read.

I think admitting that you don't know how do to something is good. In your case it's trust. That's okay. Being willing to learn won't be easy, but in the long run, it will be good. Keep posting girl. I can see progress in you and that is a good thing too :) <3