Dec 29, 2005

back to normal?

I think that it's time to detox off of the holidays. We are completely off schedule, out of whack, off the diet, and are generally living in chaos. Not good. Time to put our lives back together.

I went to the mall today and the sales were amazing. I picked a few things up but didn't go too crazy. I could have if I had let myself, but I tried to show some restraint. I LOVE shopping though. I mean I really love it. If I had any kind of money to back that bad habit up I would be in some serious trouble. I do enough damage as it is with the little cash that I do have. And I am a sucker for a sale. And a coupon. I love to get on the mailing list for my favorite stores so that they send me all the good coupons. I didn't even check today to see if I had any coupons before I ventured out. So out of character! But there were great deals to be had even for the couponless today.

I need to make a giant to-do list for myself to get through the next couple weeks. I failed so miserably with the last one that I posted here that I'm not sure I will put you all through it again, but suffice it to say that I should probably get my butt in gear. I think I'll start with paying this month's bills. So the next time you see me I should have paid my bills and made a list. Deal?

Dec 28, 2005

i'm right here

Where have I been???

I'm still here. It's just not worth beating all the other computer addicts who have been here off the computer to get my time in. So I've just stayed away. No bother.

I've been reading two books - A Million Little Pieces, and The Lovely Bones. So far they are both amazing. I get lost in both of them. The Lovely Bones has expanded my mind, and I am really enjoying it for that reason alone. I am a completely slow reader, so it will take me awhile to get through them, especially since I am reading two at a time. I NEVER do that. But I am now. Don't know why really.

The holidays were lovely (that's for you, V). Everyone was happy and cheerful, and we mostly enjoyed each other's company. It was better than I thought. I'm kinda sad it's over.

I'm looking ahead now, because WE'RE GOING HOME!!!
I am so excited and nervous and relieved and happy! Life can get back to normal. Or at least as normal as it's ever been, whatever that is.

Things aren't turning out the way that we thought, but when do they ever? We're choosing to be thankful regardless.

Dec 17, 2005

in memoriam

I lost a dear friend this week. He was amazing in ways I don't think I could even express. The words would simply not do him justice. I am particularly sad because I am away, and will not be able to attend the services. I think that some closure here would have done me some good, but unfortunately it is out of my control.

We shared a lot of things, he and I. We did a lot of our growing up together. We meshed in a way that nobody understood. We spoke our own secret language.
He got me. And I got him.
He was smart and talented.
And fun.
And funny.
And comfortable.
He was genuine.
And true.

I miss him.

"Eternal rest grant unto him, oh, Lord; and let perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in peace."

Dec 15, 2005


Do you peek?

Personally, I never peek. I LOVE surprises. I hate knowing what my gifts will be beforehand. I was never one of those kids who looked for the present stash or unwrapped and rewrapped the gifts before Christmas morning. Part of the fun is being surprised! Oddly, I am married to the worst secret keeper in all the world. Not many surprises coming my way with him around. But when he does pull it off, it is usually AMAZING and makes up for all the non-surprise gifts along the way.
One year, short on cash, we said that we could only make gifts for each other. I predictably made him a scrapbook. He drew a picture of my tattoo and had it framed. I loved it. I cried. It was beautiful. Last year he replaced my missing wedding ring. Ok, I kinda knew it was coming, but I still cried. He took the time to have it correctly sized and engraved and it was such a touching gift to receive. One year for Valentine's Day, he wisked the kiddos off to a babysitter, and took me out for a moonlit picnic in a favorite place of mine. And he brought along some things he had written and questions for me, so we had amazing conversation too. It was a magical night.
I think most of the time, he is just so excited about a gift or idea, that he can't keep the secret that long. And that's ok. Because he always goes out of his way to make me happy, and I know how lucky I am to have someone in this world who cares so much about me. And it IS the thought that counts. And with him there is so much thought and love in everything he does. So I usually know what is coming. Big deal.

But then again, you just never know. He just might surprise me!

sadly, more rambling

I really have nothing new to report. Just thought I'd drop in and say hi. So, hi.

My neck and back are killing me. They haven't been bothering me as much over the past few months as they were. I think I am carrying all of the stress of this week around in my neck. It's pretty awful. Some affects of that stupid accident seem to never go away.

I think I am addicted to lotion. Since the dry yucky winter weather hit, I am constantly putting lotion on my hands. Every time I wash my hands I have to reapply. Working at that store just makes it worse. That place sucks every last iota of moisture right out of your skin. When I am there I tend to just carry it around with me in my pocket. I like those sample sizes you get at Bath & Body Works. They have been on sale for $2 every time I've gone in there since summer. I probably have three or four going at a time.

I am not sleeping well. My schedule is all messed up. I have gone through this many times in the past. It takes a lot to break me out of the cycle. Maybe I can work on it after the holidays. I'd like to think I could get it under control before then, but I know that I won't.

I really want an iPod. I really can't afford one. Therefore, I will really NOT have an iPod. That sucks.

I am thinking about coloring my hair. Nothing drastic, just some highlights or something. It needs a trim anyways, so I'll see. I'll have to leave it to the professionals though. Everything I've ever put in comes out red, regardless of what the box says. I could go for a total spa day actually - haircut, color, mani/pedi, massage.... Who am I kidding. I'll be lucky if I even get the cut. Someday though.

Are you still with me? This is like the dumbest most random post yet. And you should see the stuff I deleted because it was even more dumb and random than the stuff I've left in. I will try to organize my thoughts and have some more coherent posts in the near future. Oh, the pressure.

Dec 13, 2005

grumble grumble

I haven't written much lately because I haven't really had anything to say. But it's getting to the point that I decided that I better let you all know that I'm still here before you give up on me and stop checking. I'm just here and waiting. And waiting and waiting and waiting. My hands are tied and I hate it. I wish people would hold up their end of things more. It's called responsibility, people. Have some!

The holiday season is here, and I'm into it, but not as much as I have been in the past. It's just not the same this year. I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" on tv the other night. I love that movie. I watch it every year and I never get sick of it. What a great reminder isn't it? It IS a wonderful life. Despite all my bitching and moaning and complaining, things could be so much worse. Right?

The cold weather is here, and I must say that it doesn't thrill me. I hate the cold. I hate the hot too actually. I would just prefer to live somewhere where the weather is mild and beautiful all the time. Maybe I should buy myself a little island somewhere. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

"Can I please have a snack?"
If one more person asks me that, I think I might go off. The last time I checked, no one needs seven snacks in a day. So stop asking.

I am pretty much done with all of my Christmas shopping. I have one more thing I need to get, and that's it. There is something that I was hoping to make too. We'll see if I can work it in. It shouldn't be too hard, so hopefully I will find the time to get to it. Next comes the wrapping. My schedule hasn't exactly lent itself to some much needed wrapping alone time, but soon I hope. I just need to pull up the wrap, tape, scissors, and a tall glass of eggnog and go to town on it.

Cookies come next. I've been holding off so far, but I think I'll start soon. I'm not planning on as much as I would normally do, but I still like to bake. I wanted to lose another five pounds before then, but I'm not sure I will make it. I've been doing great lately, but I think this week has been a bust. Only the scale can tell for sure.

For those of you who have been waiting- I've seen the movie, I've read the book. So let's discuss.

So, what's going on with you? Drop me a line sometime. Some adult conversation could do me some good. I feel like I am starting to fade out here........

Dec 10, 2005


Jeremiah 29:10-14 "For thus says the LORD: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile."

Dec 5, 2005

promises kept, promises broken

Well, it's been a few days because I stupidly made all these big promises to you about how I was going to get some stuff done, and then I didn't really get the stuff done in any kind of a timely fashion and wasn't quite ready to own up to it yet, but.....

Here I am now anyways, finished or not. Cause I don't finish stuff, remember? First off, I did put out the mail. Not quite earth shattering stuff but, check, it's done. So then I set out to start my Christmas card. Which basically consisted of taking out some pictures and staring at them. I just shoved that pile off to the side before I went to bed, with no regards to the fact that I was supposed to have balanced my checkbook also. Which I still haven't done by the way. But I was able to churn out that blasted card today while watching the Bengals rightfully gain some redemption over the Steelers. So, check, the card is done too. But the poor checkbook is still quietly waiting in the wings for some long overdue attention. *sigh* Maybe tomorrow.

In other news, I kicked that scale's ass. I lost a pound this week, despite all the yummy sweet potatoes, stuffing, and pie that I have consumed. HA! Probably was a fluke or something. But I'll take it.

Dec 2, 2005

stream of consciousness

Well, the pie is finally all gone. Thank goodness. Although it really is too late now, isn't it? I'll be facing that big bad scale in the morning, and I'm sure it won't be pretty. I better get it in gear in this small lull between pie and cookies, don'cha think? Not a big window there, so I better take advantage. Ugh! Where'd all that amazing will power I had going for me get off to? Darn it.

I know how to cook and bake, do both all the time, but I've never made pie. What is that? People don't make pie anymore. Used to be pie was an institution - for a new neighbor, new baby, picnic, dessert... When's the last time you made a non-Thanksgiving pie? Mmm hmm. When my parents moved into their new house their neighbor brought them over a pie. And then they invited my parents over for a neighborhood picnic. Clearly this man was running for office. (He did win though).

So what is it with finishing things? I'm a starter. Not a finisher. Finishing is not really my thing. I have a crapload of things that need finishing right now. When is that point in your life when you can just sit back and relax and enjoy? Never? Oh, okay. I think that I am going to make a list of three things that need finishing tomorrow, and then I will just finish them. Sound good? (Yeah, I'm not buying it either. LOL!) #1. Finish my Christmas card. Ok then, START my Christmas card. I've got the whole thing in my head. Just need to get it down on paper. No problem. #2. Balance my checkbook. This shouldn't be the crazy out-of-control task that it is but hey. It is what it is. #3. Send out my mail. Really no excuse for this one either, and should be an easy one to cross off the list. So there you have it. Hold me accountable, k?

This room is freezing. Like my-fingers-are-too-stiff-to-type freezing. I can't take it. And it snowed today. Not true, plow the streets, call off school snow. But enough that I should have brushed off my car (I didn't). And then we saw deer in the back yard. A doe and two bucks. Nature, I tell ya.

So, things still aren't going the way I had hoped, but they're going good, I guess. What more can I say? It's out of my hands. I still have so much learning to do I think. My priorities have certainly changed, I can tell you that.

Hey Meg! I'm still here. Just wanted to give you a shout out - HOLLA!! (What the???) Catch me on IM soon. You make me laugh!

A lovely old man told me that my smile brightened his whole day. It was a beautiful compliment. And THAT brightened my whole day right back.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I wish I knew that. I should by now. I'm still working it all out. I guess my true answer would be financially secure, and HAPPY. I'm 50% there. Cause if there is one thing I have learned over the past years is that I must choose to be happy and I am thankful for all that I have. I have love. I have family. I have friends. The rest will work itself out.

Nov 23, 2005

we give thanks

It's that time of year. So here is the obligatory thankful post.

This year I am most thankful for all that I have learned. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful that I have learned how much they love me, and I them, and that they would do anything for me, and that they are. I am thankful for the so many beautiful people that I am proud to call my friends. I am thankful for the pride and strength I have discovered in myself. I am thankful for my quiet time with God. I am thankful for the special person who has guided that journey for me, and probably doesn't even realize it. I am thankful for endings and new beginnings. I am thankful for my children with all their wonder and energy. I am thankful to be married to my soul mate and for remembering what drew me to him in the first place.

So there it is. Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!

great new people

Ok, that last post was too negative. So here's some positive stuff.

I have met some great people lately. Some really great people. Different circumstances have put me in different places and I have had the unique opportunity to come across some amazing people. Do you know the feeling when you meet someone for the first time and you think, "Yeah. We're going to get along great." Well, I've had the pleasure of thinking this many times lately. I love it! I am starting to remember that person I was once, the person that I should be, and I'm not bogged down by all the preconceived notions and dull expectations. I am having fun. Remember fun? It's important, you know. Some of these people that I met I get to see every day. And some I may never see again. But they have all had their part in reminding me of how to stop and laugh and enjoy the little moments life has to offer. And I thank them for that.

Nov 22, 2005

whine, whine, whine

This has been a rough week for me. Things just aren't going the way I think they should, and it is entirely frustrating to me. I am doing everything I can, but it's still not enough. I am learning a lot while facing this. I have seen people's true colors, that's for sure. I am starting to see who is really there for me. And who's not. This post is starting to make me feel too exposed. I will post it anyway, but I'm cutting it short.


What do you say when you have nothing to say?
Nothing, I guess.

Nov 21, 2005

that kind of love

I am in love.

That crazy, head over heels, goofy kind of love.

That get a job, pay your bills, responsible kind of love.

That care for you when you're sick, raise your children, giving kind of love.

That comfortable, lasting, grow old together kind of love.

That you're the only one for me, two souls joined together, perfect kind of love.

I am in love.

Nov 18, 2005

i am learning

I think this time, for me, has mostly been about figuring out who I am and what my strengths and abilities are. And what my weaknesses are and what areas need improvement. A lot of good has come from this time. I never would have thought it then, but I have gained so much insight. I am learning how to strengthen my relationships. I am learning how to be strong and resilient. I am finding that I can be independent. And I am seeing the beauty of humility. I am not all that I would like to be. But I am learning. And I have begun the journey. And I know I can do this. And that is what counts.

Nov 17, 2005

more coffee

Did you know that if you whine long and loud enough, eventually someone will stop the van and let you out so that you may partake of a venti nonfat eggnog latte no whip? And then you will have the marvelous pleasure of enjoying that latte with like-minded individuals who also appreciate the seasonal delight that is eggnog, and the oxymoron that is "nonfat eggnog." And if you're really lucky, you will be able to spread this joy to someone new. There's nothing like your first sip....

Ahhhh...... the memories.

Nov 16, 2005


It's funny how fate steps in and leads us in the right direction.

Many times we think we can control our destiny, but
It is almost always the other way around.
Sometimes I feel all alone in the world. But the truth is, I have many
Sisters out there to keep me company.

You never know when fate will step in and give you a push.
Often times this will happen right when you need it most.
Usually all you have to do is be ready for it when it happens!

My time in PA was magical, and I am so fortunate that
Even though the timing was bad for me, I made the journey.
Girls, I don't know what I'd do without ya!!

Nov 15, 2005

laugh til it hurts

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? I mean that from-the-gut, sides are hurting, I can't breathe kind of laugh? I just spent four straight days doing this. Good for the soul, I tell ya! I have not had this much fun in a long time. It's funny how people from all walks of life, a wide range of ages, various points of view, and totally different backgrounds can come together and be instant life long friends.

Nov 2, 2005

trick or treat

Trick or Treat
Smell my Feet
Give me something good to eat........

So, the trick-or-treating was a blast. The weather was perfect and the kiddies are just the right age to fully enjoy the experience. They were loving it! You could see that they were just having the best time and, as is the nature of children, were truly living in the moment. It was a beautiful thing! They came home with more than enough loot to last them for a long while. I had my fill too, which was horrible since I have not had so much sugar in forever. Bad me! I am paying for it with my tummy ache. Live and learn. And not the brightest move since I have to step on that big bad scale tomorrow. I should skip for the week, but that's not really the point now is it?

Oct 28, 2005

fly fly away

Some people hate to fly. Their fear of it completely overcomes them. Which is funny because we all know that it is far more dangerous to get in your car every day and face the perils of the open road than to get into a perfectly safe airplane. Show of hands - who has been in a car accident? Now, show of hands - who has been in a plane crash? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I am not scared to fly. I enjoy the whole process. Primarily because it means that I actually have someplace to go. Which unfortunately is too rare of an occurance. The airport is the perfect place to people watch. Have you ever seen the movie Love Actually? They're right. If you ever want to see love in its purest form, sit in an airport an observe for awhile.

Fear is a powerful feeling. It can take over and affect rational judgement. We sometimes don't allow ourselves to do something based on unreasonable fears. There is so much out there that we are missing out on because we are too afraid of the consequences. I don't mean to say that we should be ignoring our instincts. You have to make good decisions everyday that are in the best interest of yourself and your family. It's just that sometimes life can be so limiting. But I truly believe that it doesn't have to be that way. Don't allow your fears to stand in your way. Live while you're living. You will never get a second chance.

missing you

What shall I do with all the days and hours
That must be counted ere I see thy face?
How shall I charm the interval that lowers
Between this time and that sweet time of grace?

~Frances Anne Kemble

I am not good at missing you. It's just not my thing. I am inpatient and I like to get my own way. When I am missing you I am not getting what I want. And there is nothing that I want more than you.

Time is my enemy. Mostly it moves too fast as though I am on a carousel that is spinning out of control and I just want it to stop. Other times it is moving so slowly that I become painfully aware of every passing moment. I never seem to find the precious comfort of the happy medium in between.

Right now I am helplessly watching the seconds tick by slowly... slowly... slowly...
One by one until I am not sure whether to scream in frustration or cry at the pain of it all.

The reason it hurts so much to be apart is because our souls are joined. I have never been more cognizant of this connection as I am now.

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair.
~William Cowper

Oct 27, 2005

a love/hate relationship

Things I Love:
-a really good song, blaring from the stereo
-people who go with the flow
-warm sunny afternoons in the fall
-a man in uniform
-a sucks-you-in, can't-put-it-down, page-turning book
-butter brickle ice cream
-friends who know just what you need without you having to tell them
-warm chocolate chip cookies
-the way it smells right before it rains

Things I Hate:
-public restrooms
-being excluded
-extreme weather, hot or cold
-saying goodbye
-bad hair days
-not enough time in the day
-missing the ones I love
-people who withhold the truth, and don't know that they are LYING
-lack of control
-burned dinner
-the dark

Oct 19, 2005

christmas is coming

I hate to be the one to say it, but Christmas is coming.
(...the goose is getting fat. Please put a penny in the old man's hat....)

Yeah that's right, I said it. And you know it's true, if not then you are in denial. To be honest, Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love everything about it - the decorating, the cards, spending time with friends and family, the smells, the cookies, the music, the mania...
I love it all.

Where are you with your Christmas shopping?

Most of the time if I see something that suits someone I will buy it, regardless of when, and tuck it away to give to them later. I already have stuff for DH (my darling hubby for those new to my acronyms), my sisters, and for the kids. And then when the time for gift giving rolls around I have forgotten all about it. Or, every time I see something I will buy it, and then when it comes time to wrap gifts I will have five of the same thing. (Hey, if it was a good idea once, it was a good idea five times!) One year it was hair accessories. When I finally got everything together I had literally a pile of barettes, headbands, clips, etc. It was ridiculous! I must have bought them everytime I walked into a store. My DDs (dear daughters) only have one head apiece. I'm not sure how many different barette choices little girls need. Certainly not that many!

Generally speaking though, by Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) I am mostly filling in the gaps in my list and will have almost all of my Christmas shopping done by the end of that weekend.

I am not sure how I always manage to be so organized and so unorganized at the same time.

I already can't remember where I tucked the stuff for my sisters. I'm sure it will turn up.

Oct 18, 2005


I decided to treat myself to Starbucks today. This is the same place that I would refuse to enter not so long ago because I found the whole ordering process so daunting. (BTW, thanks Beth for showing me the ropes!) And all I ever really wanted anyways was a cup of caffeine to get the day moving which was easy, cheap, and not embarrassing to order at the good ol' Dunkin Donuts that can be found on every corner.

It wasn't until after I had ordered my "grande nonfat toffee nut latte" today that I realized that I had become one of those dreaded Starbucks people that I despised. Ugh.

But boy was it tasty!


Well here I am, jumping on the bandwagon. I am such a failure at keeping in touch with folks that a blog just seems like a good idea for me at this point. Feel free to check in often, and if things work out the way they should there should be something new and exciting here for you to read. Or not. Who knows? That's just the way it is with me.