love me 6: first love

love me #6: first love

I wish I could say that DH was my first love.  As young as we knew each other, I wish we grew up together, next door neighbors, friends since diapers,  moms are friends, sharing our first kiss, and we grew up together meant to be with each other since always.  These are the dreams of kids who moved and moved and moved their whole lives and don't have a home town and long for these kinds of lifelong relationships.

Alas, we got together as soon as we could.

Before that, there was another - my first love.  Looking back on it now, it was the most unhealthy relationship I could have chosen at the time, but if you were to tell my 17 year old self such a thing, I'm sure I would have cried and screamed and told you how truly in love I was.  Awww.... puppy love.  So young, so stupid.

So what was it about then?  It was fun, and exciting, and so many good times.  We laughed.  He made me feel safe.  He gave me a family that I was desperately looking for at the time.  Security.  And I needed that.  He thought of the little things, and I appreciate this so much.  I was happy.  I really was.

I always had something to do.  I always had somewhere to go.  I had someone who wondered where I was and how I was doing.  I had someone in my corner, someone rooting for me.  These are important things to someone that age - to feel important, and safe, and cared for, and loved.

It didn't end well, and went on and on and on so much longer than it ever should have, but isn't that what happens when you are young and not in control of your emotions?

I don't regret it.  I wish I had been smarter and valued my worth more.  I still feel that way about myself.  So I guess it was not exclusive to that relationship, but something I wish I could do for myself all the time.  Even so, if I was able to find more strength, I might not have had my trust violated in such a crushing way.  Story of my life really.

First loves..........  what can I say?  It was what it was, and I am glad it got me one step closer to the happiness I am blessed with today.

prompt 5: iLove

prompt 5:  iLove
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To Those I Hold Dear,

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways........

I am a lover.  Anyone who truly knows the depths of my soul knows this to be true.  Underneath my sharp exterior lives a tender soul.  I yearn to love deeply and with all of me and to feel that love returned.  I want to say the words and hear the words.  I want to give you a piece of me that shows you how much you are valued.  I want to create something that can be a reminder.

I would walk to the ends of the earth to protect this love.  I would defend it with everything I have.

I give it with my actions.  I make sacrifices.  Deep sacrifices that are often not even detectable if I can help it because I don't want there to be guilt in its receiving.

I don't know what to do when someone actually recognizes it.  It is a rare and precious gift to have it known for what it is.  And mostly it has been a reflection of someone who can see to those depths before I realize they have journeyed there.

Truly my life has been my gift of love to as many as my heart could hold.  Hopefully it has been felt.  We all want to love and be loved.  It is the greatest gift I have to give.

Love,
Me

i hab a cold id my dose

Somehow we just can't shake the sickness from this household. It's getting quite ridiculous actually. Generally speaking we are a healthy family, and it's not like any of us are dying or anything. But it just won't go away! I've been hanging onto some coughy, sneezy, runny, cold thing like it's a security blanket or something. I noticed DH more than a few times looking at me with that pitiful look this week. He keeps asking me things like "So what did the doctor say?" or "Wouldn't it be good if you could take something for that?" I think what he really means is "It sure would be nice to be able to kiss my wife without having to swim through a sea of tissues to get to her face," but he's too much of a gentleman to say it out loud.

Meanwhile, I'm just going to drink lots of liquids, keep taking my vitamins, and hug my box of Puffs Plus like it's my newborn baby. At least the kids have already had it, they shouldn't get it again, right? RIGHT???

that kind of love

I am in love.

That crazy, head over heels, goofy kind of love.

That get a job, pay your bills, responsible kind of love.

That care for you when you're sick, raise your children, giving kind of love.

That comfortable, lasting, grow old together kind of love.

That you're the only one for me, two souls joined together, perfect kind of love.

I am in love.

missing you

What shall I do with all the days and hours
That must be counted ere I see thy face?
How shall I charm the interval that lowers
Between this time and that sweet time of grace?
~Frances Anne Kemble

I am not good at missing you. It's just not my thing. I am inpatient and I like to get my own way. When I am missing you I am not getting what I want. And there is nothing that I want more than you.

Time is my enemy. Mostly it moves too fast as though I am on a carousel that is spinning out of control and I just want it to stop. Other times it is moving so slowly that I become painfully aware of every passing moment. I never seem to find the precious comfort of the happy medium in between.

Right now I am helplessly watching the seconds tick by slowly... slowly... slowly...
One by one until I am not sure whether to scream in frustration or cry at the pain of it all.

The reason it hurts so much to be apart is because our souls are joined. I have never been more cognizant of this connection as I am now.

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair.
~William Cowper