Oct 20, 2006


Go into your archive.
Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

"I think that some closure here would have done me some good, but unfortunately it is out of my control."

Well, taken out of context, this sentence pretty nicely sums up my whole year. I have had so much happen that has been completely out of my control. Some good, some bad. Some things I have had to struggle to let go of, but it turned out for the best in the end. Some things will never be the same.

Closure is a funny thing. How do you even know when you've had it? I think it is more obvious when you don't. Not being able to say good bye is a terrible thing. But does it really make it any easier when you do?

Sometimes you have to let go of someone and they don't even know you've done it. Do you define your closure as when you are satisfied with the decision, or when they know you are? For me, being content with my choices in life has become enough. Life is to short for resentment or regrets.

The quote above is from a post I wrote in memoriam of a cherished friend. He was such a vital spirit, and had more impact on my life than most realize. We always kept in touch over the years, and randomly finding notes and emails and little objects that he gave me have been both a joy and a sorrow for me since he has been gone. My heart ached then and it still does now. He was one of many young lives taken too soon this year. For him I had to grieve alone, and to some extent I still am and always will. I don't think I will ever have closure about this.
His mother has since told me that I could always make him laugh when noone else could. Maybe that will have to be enough.

Oct 17, 2006

the day before tomorrow

My young one has trouble with yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Well actually, she knows that today is today, but she can't remember when tomorrow and yesterday are. There is no way to explain this without giggling. I'm pretty sure I lose her around the time I get to the part where "It is always today, and tomorrow is always the day after today and yesterday has always already happened because it was the day before today....."

I think this is why she just calls them today, the day after this, and the day before this.

I came across this today, and it reminded me of her.

The Day Before Tomorrow

The day before tomorrow
Is a very special day
And I feel that I should live it
In a happy kind of way...
Tomorrow's so mysterious
That I really can't foresee
The things that might be happening
And the way that life might be
But the Day Before Tomorrow
That's quite a different thing...
Those hours are so much closer
I can guess what they might bring...
I'd rather be a sparrow
Or a lily of the field
And just wait til God's will for me
Is finally revealed...
I'll put aside the griefs and cares --
The trouble I won't borrow
And just be glad I'm living in
The Day Before Tomorrow!

~~Jean Kyler McManus

Oct 10, 2006

show me the funny

I surround myself with laughter.
I envelop myself in it like a warm, comfortable blanket.
Anyone who has met me in person knows that I am laughing most of the time. Sometimes it is a nervous habit, sometimes it is out of happiness, sometimes it is an inappropriate reaction to something sad, and sometimes something is just downright hilarious. But the point is, laughter flows out of my mouth probably more often than words.

As an end to this means, I like to be around people who are funny. I just don't get serious people. And quite frankly, they don't get me. I even find humor in how serious people do NOT find me funny. In fact, I'm pretty sure that much of my childhood was spent trying to get a giggle out of my father. (FYI - now that he is not responsible for my shenanigans, he finds me much more humorous. Even cracks a joke or two of his own now and then!)

When I keep to myself at work, people start seeking me out. "What's wrong? Are you ok? I haven't heard you laugh all day."
Someone actually said this to me today. I was just tired. Not really joking around much. But trust me - the ridiculousness of things that go on around me there are usually enough to propel my laughter throughout the day!

I think that laughter runs in my family. If you attend a family funeral, don't be surprised at the sounds of laughter pouring forth from the building. Yes, we are in fact working through our pain. But we do it by remembering how the person made us feel good. How they made us LAUGH.

Sometimes at the end of a good day my sides and cheeks will hurt from all the laughing. These days are my favorites. Lately I have been having these days a lot. Days surrounded by the people I love and the people who love me. Part of this, a big part of this, is because they make me laugh.

I surround myself with laughter.

Oct 9, 2006

still broke. still smiling.

While sharing stories with my family we learned that Great Grandpa used to sign all of his letters "Still Broke. Still Smiling."

Ok, I COMPLETELY get it.
This is exactly how I feel about my life.

What an amazing philosophy! The sentiment expressed with those simple words are just the way we should all strive to live life. It doesn't matter what you have, what matters is what you do with it.

DH and I started our adult lives out together a little younger than most, a little faster than most, a little more intense than most. We have had our share of fun and made our share of mistakes.

But here we are, settling down, getting things together, finding our joy.
We have learned and grown together. We know what we want. We have similar goals and vision. I am excited to see what is around the corner for us. I feel like we are on the cusp of something great.

A lot of that has been in finding contentment in what we have. Thankfulness for what we have instead of envy of what we don't. I feel satisfied, yet I still feel the need to improve.

Now and then I have to stop and remind myself that we live this life for a reason. I hope I can learn from it.

And for now anyways, I'm....
"Still broke. Still smiling."

Oct 5, 2006

a small confession

Alright, I'm just going to put it out there.

Ok, fine.

There it is.

I went to the store to purchase the new Barenaked Ladies Are Me, because the concert is coming up soon (third row, baby!!). But they were out of stock. As I perused the new releases I came upon it. I'm not sure what strange power even possessed me to pick it up, since I'm not much of a CD purchaser these days, but for some reason I was compelled to leave the store with this - much to DH's dismay. After we got home he urged me to return it, and looked at me with disgust as I tore off the cellophane wrap.
He knew at this point that there was no turning back.
And he was right.

This little gem has been living in my car cd player ever since. I've been listening to it on repeat every day. And I LOVE it! It's got some upbeat dance tunes, slow songs, a little rap, it runs the spectrum. The combo of Timbaland and Timberlake is really working for me. I'm sure that the people who passed by me on the highway this morning thought I had completely lost my mind as they saw me bopping along singing at the top of my lungs.

I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon, but it hasn't yet.

Oct 3, 2006

internal struggle

I am struggling with something. I am in a situation where I have to decide whether to sit back and wait to be offered the opportunity to make change, or to speak my mind now. In the meantime it requires me to keep quiet until I am given that opportunity. If I do something now I will feel better about myself for standing up for myself and speaking my mind where it is appropriate. However this may jeopardize my opportunity to be put in the position to affect a greater change for a larger group in the long run. I guess I have to choose to make the choice that brings the greatest good to the greatest number of people, right? But can I respect myself in the meantime? I'm not sure. Plus, I'm not always the best at keeping my mouth shut.