closure

Go into your archive.
Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.


"I think that some closure here would have done me some good, but unfortunately it is out of my control."


Well, taken out of context, this sentence pretty nicely sums up my whole year. I have had so much happen that has been completely out of my control. Some good, some bad. Some things I have had to struggle to let go of, but it turned out for the best in the end. Some things will never be the same.

Closure is a funny thing. How do you even know when you've had it? I think it is more obvious when you don't. Not being able to say good bye is a terrible thing. But does it really make it any easier when you do?

Sometimes you have to let go of someone and they don't even know you've done it. Do you define your closure as when you are satisfied with the decision, or when they know you are? For me, being content with my choices in life has become enough. Life is to short for resentment or regrets.

The quote above is from a post I wrote in memoriam of a cherished friend. He was such a vital spirit, and had more impact on my life than most realize. We always kept in touch over the years, and randomly finding notes and emails and little objects that he gave me have been both a joy and a sorrow for me since he has been gone. My heart ached then and it still does now. He was one of many young lives taken too soon this year. For him I had to grieve alone, and to some extent I still am and always will. I don't think I will ever have closure about this.
His mother has since told me that I could always make him laugh when noone else could. Maybe that will have to be enough.