Oct 15, 2011

love me 6: first love

love me #6: first love

I wish I could say that DH was my first love.  As young as we knew each other, I wish we grew up together, next door neighbors, friends since diapers,  moms are friends, sharing our first kiss, and we grew up together meant to be with each other since always.  These are the dreams of kids who moved and moved and moved their whole lives and don't have a home town and long for these kinds of lifelong relationships.

Alas, we got together as soon as we could.

Before that, there was another - my first love.  Looking back on it now, it was the most unhealthy relationship I could have chosen at the time, but if you were to tell my 17 year old self such a thing, I'm sure I would have cried and screamed and told you how truly in love I was.  Awww.... puppy love.  So young, so stupid.

So what was it about then?  It was fun, and exciting, and so many good times.  We laughed.  He made me feel safe.  He gave me a family that I was desperately looking for at the time.  Security.  And I needed that.  He thought of the little things, and I appreciate this so much.  I was happy.  I really was.

I always had something to do.  I always had somewhere to go.  I had someone who wondered where I was and how I was doing.  I had someone in my corner, someone rooting for me.  These are important things to someone that age - to feel important, and safe, and cared for, and loved.

It didn't end well, and went on and on and on so much longer than it ever should have, but isn't that what happens when you are young and not in control of your emotions?

I don't regret it.  I wish I had been smarter and valued my worth more.  I still feel that way about myself.  So I guess it was not exclusive to that relationship, but something I wish I could do for myself all the time.  Even so, if I was able to find more strength, I might not have had my trust violated in such a crushing way.  Story of my life really.

First loves..........  what can I say?  It was what it was, and I am glad it got me one step closer to the happiness I am blessed with today.

1 comment:

Mel said...

There is something about that first love that really helps you grow. I really understand what you are saying.