wordless wednesday: that's my girl!

love me 6: first love

love me #6: first love

I wish I could say that DH was my first love.  As young as we knew each other, I wish we grew up together, next door neighbors, friends since diapers,  moms are friends, sharing our first kiss, and we grew up together meant to be with each other since always.  These are the dreams of kids who moved and moved and moved their whole lives and don't have a home town and long for these kinds of lifelong relationships.

Alas, we got together as soon as we could.

Before that, there was another - my first love.  Looking back on it now, it was the most unhealthy relationship I could have chosen at the time, but if you were to tell my 17 year old self such a thing, I'm sure I would have cried and screamed and told you how truly in love I was.  Awww.... puppy love.  So young, so stupid.

So what was it about then?  It was fun, and exciting, and so many good times.  We laughed.  He made me feel safe.  He gave me a family that I was desperately looking for at the time.  Security.  And I needed that.  He thought of the little things, and I appreciate this so much.  I was happy.  I really was.

I always had something to do.  I always had somewhere to go.  I had someone who wondered where I was and how I was doing.  I had someone in my corner, someone rooting for me.  These are important things to someone that age - to feel important, and safe, and cared for, and loved.

It didn't end well, and went on and on and on so much longer than it ever should have, but isn't that what happens when you are young and not in control of your emotions?

I don't regret it.  I wish I had been smarter and valued my worth more.  I still feel that way about myself.  So I guess it was not exclusive to that relationship, but something I wish I could do for myself all the time.  Even so, if I was able to find more strength, I might not have had my trust violated in such a crushing way.  Story of my life really.

First loves..........  what can I say?  It was what it was, and I am glad it got me one step closer to the happiness I am blessed with today.

friday fill-ins 2011.10.13

And...here we go! 

1. It's easy to take shortcuts, but you pay in the long run.

2. Hold me close, my darling.

3. Once upon a time, there was the world's most insecure girl who likes to drink wine and hang out with her friends and write blogs and go on the internet and MATTER.  Most of all she wants to matter. 

4. And she lived as happily ever after as anyone ever truly does ... the end. 

5. What is the deal with all the whining?

6. I really wish things would calm a bit sooner than later.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being with my husband!, tomorrow my plans include my favorite Drag King and Sunday, I want to see my team have some pride and a great game!




Enjoy your weekend, people!!  <3

cheer coach, say what?

Somewhere along the line the craziest thing happened - I am the head coach of my daughter's cheer team.  Anyone who "knew me when" would understand how laughable this is.  Suffice it to say, I was always more of a kick/throw/hit a ball type of sports kid growing up.  Cheerleading was just about the furthest thing from my mind.

Fueled by distaste with how things were being run, combined with my daughter not having the good sense to be embarrassed by me led me to becoming an assistant coach last year.  Another crazy turn of events mixed up with the world's whiniest group of kids who have the world's pushiest parents winded me up as the head coach this year.  According to the people who voted me into the position, I am the only person with the fortitude to handle it.  To be honest, sometimes all that fortitude can be quite exhausting.

We are coming up on our league competition and it's time to get serious.  With my health issues I wasn't at our last game or practice so I was ready to see some progress from my cheer team tonight.  Turns out they weren't so ready to show me that progress.

See the thing is, 12 and 13 year olds don't particularly have a two hour attention span.  In fact, it seems they don't even have much of a two minute attention span.  This lack of focus combined with a seemingly uncontrollable need to talk has resulted in them having a particularly high amount of "conditioning" at tonight's practice.  And we also had a healthy dose of learning about respect.

I broke down the routine, piece by piece, beat by beat, word by word, and move by move.  They worked their butts off.  I hope that some part of them can appreciate it for what it was - they DO have the ability to work hard and see the rewards of that work.   They CAN do it.  They ARE amazing.  And I truly believe that when it's time for us to hit the mats that we will be winners.

Who ever woulda thunk it that I would actually enjoy coaching cheerleading?!

Sue Sylvester would have been proud of me today.