insecurity

We all know that blogging has lost stamina, and even more so has gone the way of Twitter, Facebook, etc etc.... But by request here I am.

It's hard for me to be consistent, not because the stories aren't there, not because I have nothing to say, but mostly because I don't always want to put it all out there where it can hurt or where I would be held accountable to the feelings.

I am hypersensitive and overly-protective when it comes to my feelings and thoughts.  I am more critical of myself than anyone could ever be, but at the same time I have a hard time believing that the whole world isn't looking at me through the same critical microscope that I view myself.

Regardless, my days are spent just trying to get by.  Keep everybody happy.  Try to let go of the fact that I can't remotely possibly keep up with my house.  Get everyone where they need to be.  Keep all the crying to a minimum.  Chase the paperwork, the voicemails, the emails, the red tape.  Make our dollar stretch until you can see through it.  Placate placate placate.

I  try to stay awake to enjoy the few quiet minutes I have to myself.  I wonder if I am missed as much as I miss.  I try to understand my place and why it is never where I think it could or should be.  Wonder why I am forgotten or left out.  I create my own family network out of those who can take it and those who get it and those who make it valuable and worthwhile.

I am tragically insecure.