Sep 29, 2011


Where does my insecurity come from?

Lack of trust.

Why don't I trust?

Because all of my trusts have been violated.

I actually feel like it is a pretty whiny point of view, and it would probably be something that drove me nuts in someone else, but it is exactly how I feel.  To some extent, I don't think I ever actually learned to trust, as if that part of my development is just missing or damaged.  I can't remember a time in my life where I was ever able to give my trust freely.

When I have, the trust has been broken.  Over and over and over and over again.  I have had family, friends, partners, all of whom  have burned me.  Burned me in ways that the sum of which has become insurmountable.

The result has been that I never truly give away my heart.  I never reveal my inner feelings.  I am always waiting for someone to stomp all over me and leave me broken.

It also makes me lonely.

Maybe that is why I have a large outer circle, and and teeny tiny inner circle.  I don't know.  It isn't necessarily the whole reason, but it certainly contributes.

My connection making skills are broken.

I have this gigantic part of me that needs a hero to come along and be my protector and safeguard my heart.  And until I can give the trust to someone to do this for me,  I do it myself.

A vicious circle.

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