Oct 15, 2011

love me 6: first love

love me #6: first love

I wish I could say that DH was my first love.  As young as we knew each other, I wish we grew up together, next door neighbors, friends since diapers,  moms are friends, sharing our first kiss, and we grew up together meant to be with each other since always.  These are the dreams of kids who moved and moved and moved their whole lives and don't have a home town and long for these kinds of lifelong relationships.

Alas, we got together as soon as we could.

Before that, there was another - my first love.  Looking back on it now, it was the most unhealthy relationship I could have chosen at the time, but if you were to tell my 17 year old self such a thing, I'm sure I would have cried and screamed and told you how truly in love I was.  Awww.... puppy love.  So young, so stupid.

So what was it about then?  It was fun, and exciting, and so many good times.  We laughed.  He made me feel safe.  He gave me a family that I was desperately looking for at the time.  Security.  And I needed that.  He thought of the little things, and I appreciate this so much.  I was happy.  I really was.

I always had something to do.  I always had somewhere to go.  I had someone who wondered where I was and how I was doing.  I had someone in my corner, someone rooting for me.  These are important things to someone that age - to feel important, and safe, and cared for, and loved.

It didn't end well, and went on and on and on so much longer than it ever should have, but isn't that what happens when you are young and not in control of your emotions?

I don't regret it.  I wish I had been smarter and valued my worth more.  I still feel that way about myself.  So I guess it was not exclusive to that relationship, but something I wish I could do for myself all the time.  Even so, if I was able to find more strength, I might not have had my trust violated in such a crushing way.  Story of my life really.

First loves..........  what can I say?  It was what it was, and I am glad it got me one step closer to the happiness I am blessed with today.

Oct 14, 2011

friday fill-ins 2011.10.13

And...here we go! 

1. It's easy to take shortcuts, but you pay in the long run.

2. Hold me close, my darling.

3. Once upon a time, there was the world's most insecure girl who likes to drink wine and hang out with her friends and write blogs and go on the internet and MATTER.  Most of all she wants to matter

4. And she lived as happily ever after as anyone ever truly does ... the end. 

5. What is the deal with all the whining?

6. I really wish things would calm a bit sooner than later.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being with my husband!, tomorrow my plans include my favorite Drag King and Sunday, I want to see my team have some pride and a great game!

Enjoy your weekend, people!!  <3

Oct 6, 2011

cheer coach, say what?

Somewhere along the line the craziest thing happened - I am the head coach of my daughter's cheer team.  Anyone who "knew me when" would understand how laughable this is.  Suffice it to say, I was always more of a kick/throw/hit a ball type of sports kid growing up.  Cheerleading was just about the furthest thing from my mind.

Fueled by distaste with how things were being run, combined with my daughter not having the good sense to be embarrassed by me led me to becoming an assistant coach last year.  Another crazy turn of events mixed up with the world's whiniest group of kids who have the world's pushiest parents winded me up as the head coach this year.  According to the people who voted me into the position, I am the only person with the fortitude to handle it.  To be honest, sometimes all that fortitude can be quite exhausting.

We are coming up on our league competition and it's time to get serious.  With my health issues I wasn't at our last game or practice so I was ready to see some progress from my cheer team tonight.  Turns out they weren't so ready to show me that progress.

See the thing is, 12 and 13 year olds don't particularly have a two hour attention span.  In fact, it seems they don't even have much of a two minute attention span.  This lack of focus combined with a seemingly uncontrollable need to talk has resulted in them having a particularly high amount of "conditioning" at tonight's practice.  And we also had a healthy dose of learning about respect.

I broke down the routine, piece by piece, beat by beat, word by word, and move by move.  They worked their butts off.  I hope that some part of them can appreciate it for what it was - they DO have the ability to work hard and see the rewards of that work.   They CAN do it.  They ARE amazing.  And I truly believe that when it's time for us to hit the mats that we will be winners.

Who ever woulda thunk it that I would actually enjoy coaching cheerleading?!

Sue Sylvester would have been proud of me today.

Oct 5, 2011

a meme for your viewing pleasure

And because it's been a while....... a meme.

Here are my answers to some random questions that I found at zimmerhouse (she's funny.  so if you like funny too, go read her stuff):

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you.   I never paid attention to any celebrities who share my birthday, but a friend from high school, TJ Flinn, shares my birthday, and he always sends me kind words on that day every year.  He is a great guy who in the past couple years found a great girl, got married, and is happier than I've ever known him.  It warms my soul to see him like this.

2. What has been your favorite age so far? Oh geez.  Maybe my teens.  My high school years were fun.  But my early twenties were a blast too.  I just did lots of dumb stuff through those times.  If I could go back and have the wisdom I do now, I would do either of those over again, believe it or not.

3. Where did you meet your husband? We rode the same bus in high school.  Cool, huh?  And the first time we actually hung out and talked was when he was on leave from boot camp, and a mutual friend brought him out one night.  We got along really well, and I remember talking about getting together as soon as he got back.  We did, and have been together ever since!

4. How many children do you have?  We have two children - our beautiful girls who make our lives, truly.  Then we had one surrogate daughter who we are fortunate to see on occasion (though never often enough).  And now we have two foster children turning our world upside down.  A brother and sister, they are our first placement.  It has been a challenge to say the least, but I don't see us quitting any time soon and will welcome the next placements with open arms.  I am blessed to have a family like this!

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?  I sing karaoke as much as a few beers and a willing hostess will let me.  I have sung at family funerals and at my wedding.  I'm no Whitney Houston, but that doesn't seem to stop me.  :)

6. What’s the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? Hmmm.... probably eyes, or even more so what they are wearing and how they carry themselves.  I am attracted to good conversation, sense of humor, and personality, but you don't usually get that at first notice.

7. What really turns you off? Cockiness.  Excuses.  Bad teeth.

8. What do you order at Starbucks? Venti No-Whip Toffee Nut Latte.  Occasionally a mocha frap if the weather is warm and I am looking for a pick me up.

9. What is your biggest mistake? Not going away to college.  Not being smarter about money.  I always regret the life I could have had but don't.

10. As a child, what did you want to grow up to be? An actress.  Then as I got older I pictured myself as a journalist.  I was always interested in the arts in some capacity.

11. Say something totally random about yourself.  I hate my hair.  I never think it looks good.  I hate having to style it.  I hate having to wash it.  I hate having to dry it.  I hate trying to make it look good enough to leave the house.  I am thinking about investing a couple of wigs to plop on my head on the way out the door so I can stress slightly less about it every day.

12. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? Not if I can help it.  I find them highly annoying!!  I can't even believe some of the crap they are passing off as entertainment these days.  (Although I am sure my mother thought the same thing when I plunked myself in front of hours of crap myself.)

13. Did you have braces? Never did.  And oddly enough, I have been complimented on my teeth twice this month.  Weird?

14. Favorite Social Network? Good ol' fashioned Facebook.  Not digging all the changes, but it's where everyone is at.  I like Twitter, I like blogging, I like message boards, but Facebook is where I can look to see how most everyone in my life is doing.  That is exactly why they are so successful and can make whatever changes they want.

15. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you?  My husband takes care of me like no other.  He listens to me and stimulates my mind.  He is not a romantic guy by nature, which does sadden me when I let it, but man he is there for me day after day after day and has seen my worst and does not care.  Pretty romantic.
His most romantic move was probably replacing my lost wedding ring.
Our most romantic date was our moonlit picnic by the clock tower, where he wrote me a bunch of things to read and talk about.  He put a lot of thought into it, which was the most romantic part.  

16. When do you know it’s love?  When you can see each other through what we've been through and it only makes you stronger.  Our challenges have formed a bond between us that nobody would ever understand or be able to break.

17. Do you speak any other languages?  Not really.  My most fluent second language was American Sign Language, and my skills are super rusty.  I have thought a lot lately about taking a course and brushing up on it.

18. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?  Ummmm....... only to hang out with a friend.  What would I do with a tan?!  I am perfectly content with the one God gave me.  :)

19. What magazines do you read?  I like women's magazines, magazines like Oprah, cooking magazines, tech magazines, and gossip rags.  I don't currently subscribe to a single one.  But I would pick up almost any and find something to look at or read.  I am an information junky.

20. What is playing on your iPod right now? 
 Cheer music?  We are smack in the middle of cheer competition prep.  Other than that, Adele 21 has gotten quite a bit of airplay around here.

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Often.  Most recently in NYC with the dance team.  It cost just a couple dollars more than cabs to get our group uptown, so we just went for it.  What an experience!  The girls had a blast!  They really thought they were something!  

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?  There has been so much death in my life - way too much for someone of my age.  My grandfather was probably the most devastating, and he has been on my mind quite a bit lately.  Not sure why.

23. Do you watch MTV? I used to, back when they played videos.  I don't even know what is on there anymore.  Now I am keeping Bravo and HGTV in business all by myself.

24. What’s something that really annoys you?  Lying.  Pot stirrers.  Loneliness.  Mess.  Fatigue.  Being misunderstood. 

25. Which television show were you sad to say goodbye to? Alias.  That was our date night show!  Then Heroes replaced it.  Also gone.  We don't have a date night show anymore.

26. Can you dance? Not really.  I like to get up and shake it when I'm in the mood, but I'm no dance genius!

27. What’s your favorite place in the world? Anywhere Rich goes.  Other than that, Skatet Beach at sunset.  The most beautiful, peaceful place I know.  

28. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Yes, and I don't recommend it.  Those boards they strap you to?  Not a good time, believe you me!

29. If you could meet anyone (dead or alive) who would it be? Hmmm..... Oprah seems like such a cliche answer.  How about Martin Luther King, Jr?  Maybe he could teach me a thing or two about persistence and faith.  And I could tell him about how his dream is just beginning to be realized, even though there is sooooo much farther to go.

30. If you could change one thing in the world for your child, what would it be? Guaranteed happiness and prosperity.  How do I do that??

Oct 4, 2011

health challenge: portion size

So as a challenge to myself, I am trying to get healthy.  This was spurred on by several things - being at my highest ever weight, looking gross in my clothes, overall feeling yucky, seeing pictures of myself and being horrified!!

To get started, I went back to the same food plan that has always worked for me.  It is easy to do, I don't feel deprived, there are plenty of food choices, and I'm not starving or thinking about food all the time.  Works for me.  So far I have dropped 15 pounds over the past month.

Detoxing off of sugar is the first thing I go through.  It only takes a couple of days before I don't have a taste for it any more.  I swear, sugar addiction is a real and powerful thing.  Look at anyone addicted to soda.  Try to deprive them of it for one day and see what happens.  Artificial sweeteners are almost worse - how about the Diet Coke people?  You could pry their sweet nectar from their cold dead hands......

After that, for me it is learning to control my portion size.  This is where my weight is truly controlled.  Somehow in my life I trained myself to eat and eat and eat to the point of near explosion!  Feeling sad?  Feed it.  Happy?  Stuff it!  Angry?  Eat eat eat and eat some more!  I've always wished I was more of an angry cleaner or exerciser instead of an angry eater.  But alas.... it is not to be.

Today I made chili.  Totally on my plan.  I hadn't really eaten anything else today (mistake) so I didn't really think about it too much when I heaped my bowl with the yummy cold weather comfort food.

And then it was way too late when I realized I had overeaten.


The rule I have followed in the past is to stop eating when no longer hungry.  This is a completely different feeling than eating until full or stuffed.  I think this is going to be the key for me this time around.  I mindlessly eat until my plate is empty, so I have to be conscious of what it is I am putting on my plate.  I have to think about the food, and realize when the hunger has been satiated.  And then I have to STOP EATING.

I don't feel good right now.  My belly wants to pop.  I am a little bit nauseated.  I am uncomfortable.  All things I do not aspire to be.  And definitely NOT what I need to be feeling to be successful.

So starting this week, my health challenge to myself is to control my portions.  I'll check back and let you know how it goes!

diagnosis.... pain = DUH!

Can someone explain to me just what it is that doctors do????

I have been having these recurring episodes where I have intense stomach pain and bloating to the point this past time that I was pretty much begging my husband to crash the car into a brick wall on our way to the hospital.  I am not a crier, and I spent a good twelve hours straight in tears before they were able to bring down my pain to a tolerable level.  (This also included bottoming out my blood pressure to its lowest point in my entire life, but I digress...)  It made labor seem like the good ol' days when I was feeling great!

But do I ever receive a diagnosis?  Do I ever learn how to stop whatever this is that keeps happening from ever happening again?  Ummmm...... no.  I believe my discharge paperwork again reads with a diagnosis of "abdominal pain."  Well, thank you very much for the insight!  I am so glad my $100 went to such good use!!

I am heading to my internist this week to harass them into giving me every single test that exists until they can tell me what's wrong with me.  This is going to be uncomfortable for me, because I know that they just want to calm my symptoms enough to send me on my way... not actually take the time to figure out what this is...... But after this last time, I just can't face the idea of ever going through that again.

I can't wait to see how this battle goes.  If I get my wish, I am probably going to regret it as I am being poked and prodded, but.......  If they can actual provide we with a diagnosis I will be glad I persisted!!!  After all, isn't that what all those years of medical school and all those thousands of dollars of insurance premiums are supposed to be for?!