i just want to matter

I don't know why I can't seem to settle for an everyday life.  I always need to add a little chaos in to make myself comfortable.  My latest venture has been to become a foster parent.  In the course of getting licensed, you are asked repeatedly why you want to become a foster parent, and my typical answer involves the hole left in my heart after our last surrogacy attempt came to a close and wanting to help children.  This past weekend when a close friend asked, my simple answer was "I just need to be needed." It's something I never really realized about myself until hearing the words come out of my own mouth.  I have also recently found myself saying, "I just want to matter."  And it's the truth.  I would do just about anything to help a family member or friend.  I don't find myself with the opportunity very often, but when I do, I try to jump at the chance as much as I can.  It is a side of myself that I am not that comfortable with, and it is not really what I think people think of when they think of me, but the truth is that I am really just a little girl who wants to matter.

Three weeks in, and this first foster journey is pretty much kicking my ass, but every day I see more and more how I am mattering to these kids.  Little by little my family is able to repair the scars from the life they've led before coming into our home.  And at the end of the long and exhausting days, I know that deep down to someone, I have mattered.

on my mind

Here is what is on my nerves right now.......

Self-righteous people

Uncertainty

Poverty

Mice

Bad skin

Mess

Fatigue

Clutter.  And not being able to conquer clutter.

Grocery shopping

Gas prices

Here is what makes me smile right now.........

The love of my family

Sitting on my deck listening to the birds

Music

Wind

Coupons

Winning

Helping

Pictures

Wine

Community

Hope.

love me 4: dreams - words of wisdom

dreams - words of wisdom

To the Lights of My Life~

It is hard to put in words the dreams I hold for you in my heart.  There is so much and it is so big.

I wish for you happiness.  Pure unadulterated joy.

I wish to protect you from the evils the world holds.  But also that you may have the power and strength to always be protected.

I wish that you experience true love.  True partnership.  That you are cherished.

I wish that you know your path and know success.

I dream that you will have more love and laughs and friends and happiness than your hearts and hands can hold.

Love,
Mama

love me 3: dreams unrealized

Dreams Unrealized........... *sigh*

I don't love this prompt.  I spend enough time worrying about this as it is.

I guess the biggest one is being successful in school and work.  I am really just starting to wrap my mind around exactly why this particular dream was never realized.  It seems pretty simple.  Go to school.  Get a job.  Learn.  Grow.  Become successful. 

Part of me is such a go getter, and that part just cannot comprehend the part of me that is not and didn't achieve the goal.  I will never truly be comfortable with it.

I'm just not who I was supposed to be.  But eventually, that will just have to be okay.

Love,
Me