diagnosis.... pain = DUH!

Can someone explain to me just what it is that doctors do????

I have been having these recurring episodes where I have intense stomach pain and bloating to the point this past time that I was pretty much begging my husband to crash the car into a brick wall on our way to the hospital.  I am not a crier, and I spent a good twelve hours straight in tears before they were able to bring down my pain to a tolerable level.  (This also included bottoming out my blood pressure to its lowest point in my entire life, but I digress...)  It made labor seem like the good ol' days when I was feeling great!

But do I ever receive a diagnosis?  Do I ever learn how to stop whatever this is that keeps happening from ever happening again?  Ummmm...... no.  I believe my discharge paperwork again reads with a diagnosis of "abdominal pain."  Well, thank you very much for the insight!  I am so glad my $100 went to such good use!!

I am heading to my internist this week to harass them into giving me every single test that exists until they can tell me what's wrong with me.  This is going to be uncomfortable for me, because I know that they just want to calm my symptoms enough to send me on my way... not actually take the time to figure out what this is...... But after this last time, I just can't face the idea of ever going through that again.

I can't wait to see how this battle goes.  If I get my wish, I am probably going to regret it as I am being poked and prodded, but.......  If they can actual provide we with a diagnosis I will be glad I persisted!!!  After all, isn't that what all those years of medical school and all those thousands of dollars of insurance premiums are supposed to be for?!

prompt 5: iLove

prompt 5:  iLove
~~~~~~~~~~~~

To Those I Hold Dear,

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways........

I am a lover.  Anyone who truly knows the depths of my soul knows this to be true.  Underneath my sharp exterior lives a tender soul.  I yearn to love deeply and with all of me and to feel that love returned.  I want to say the words and hear the words.  I want to give you a piece of me that shows you how much you are valued.  I want to create something that can be a reminder.

I would walk to the ends of the earth to protect this love.  I would defend it with everything I have.

I give it with my actions.  I make sacrifices.  Deep sacrifices that are often not even detectable if I can help it because I don't want there to be guilt in its receiving.

I don't know what to do when someone actually recognizes it.  It is a rare and precious gift to have it known for what it is.  And mostly it has been a reflection of someone who can see to those depths before I realize they have journeyed there.

Truly my life has been my gift of love to as many as my heart could hold.  Hopefully it has been felt.  We all want to love and be loved.  It is the greatest gift I have to give.

Love,
Me

trust?

Where does my insecurity come from?

Lack of trust.

Why don't I trust?

Because all of my trusts have been violated.

I actually feel like it is a pretty whiny point of view, and it would probably be something that drove me nuts in someone else, but it is exactly how I feel.  To some extent, I don't think I ever actually learned to trust, as if that part of my development is just missing or damaged.  I can't remember a time in my life where I was ever able to give my trust freely.

When I have, the trust has been broken.  Over and over and over and over again.  I have had family, friends, partners, all of whom  have burned me.  Burned me in ways that the sum of which has become insurmountable.

The result has been that I never truly give away my heart.  I never reveal my inner feelings.  I am always waiting for someone to stomp all over me and leave me broken.

It also makes me lonely.

Maybe that is why I have a large outer circle, and and teeny tiny inner circle.  I don't know.  It isn't necessarily the whole reason, but it certainly contributes.

My connection making skills are broken.

I have this gigantic part of me that needs a hero to come along and be my protector and safeguard my heart.  And until I can give the trust to someone to do this for me,  I do it myself.

A vicious circle.

insecurity

We all know that blogging has lost stamina, and even more so has gone the way of Twitter, Facebook, etc etc.... But by request here I am.

It's hard for me to be consistent, not because the stories aren't there, not because I have nothing to say, but mostly because I don't always want to put it all out there where it can hurt or where I would be held accountable to the feelings.

I am hypersensitive and overly-protective when it comes to my feelings and thoughts.  I am more critical of myself than anyone could ever be, but at the same time I have a hard time believing that the whole world isn't looking at me through the same critical microscope that I view myself.

Regardless, my days are spent just trying to get by.  Keep everybody happy.  Try to let go of the fact that I can't remotely possibly keep up with my house.  Get everyone where they need to be.  Keep all the crying to a minimum.  Chase the paperwork, the voicemails, the emails, the red tape.  Make our dollar stretch until you can see through it.  Placate placate placate.

I  try to stay awake to enjoy the few quiet minutes I have to myself.  I wonder if I am missed as much as I miss.  I try to understand my place and why it is never where I think it could or should be.  Wonder why I am forgotten or left out.  I create my own family network out of those who can take it and those who get it and those who make it valuable and worthwhile.

I am tragically insecure.