choices

Sometimes I really wrestle with making sense of things - what I've been given and how to make all the pieces fit together. How to reconcile what I imagined things to be with what they have become. It is such a difficult journey. Going back to decision making, I think that the hardest ones are when forced to choose between two options where neither is desired. Somehow, there is always the inexplicable third choice that is not actually an option. I have always had trouble letting go of that unattainable choice to properly evaluate those realistic options left before me are the most viable and appealing.

I just watched a documentary, Boy Interrupted, about a boy who committed suicide at age 15. His parents were film-makers and created the documentary as their means of sharing his story and further their healing. One of the things that struck me the most was his suicide note. He was able to rationally identify and evaluate the pros and cons of living vs. dying, but in the end could not see past the intense burning need in him to end his own life. He wasn't able to make a rational choice with that burning knowledge of what his mind was telling him he needed to do. It is an extreme case, but I do understand being so hyper-aware of something that it colors good judgment.