Sep 22, 2009

i have feelings. so sue me.

One of the things I don't do well is express my feelings.

I spend most of the time squashing things down deep and putting on a shiny happy mask and making a joke or turning the focus away from myself.

Why do I do this?

Well, because when I open up and share I feel judged or crazy or not cared for or misunderstood.

The truth is, sometimes things are NOT rosy and perfect and great.  And that doesn't always mean that things are the worst or as bad as the next guy has it, but FOR ME they are not good. 

Why can't I just be allowed to have that, fercryinoutloud?!

I have no healthy connections in my life where I can safely outlet these feelings.  A normal friendship or relationship or whatever where I listen to someone and they listen to me.


This past year for me has had more than its share of crap.  And when I can no longer hold it all in and manage it quietly to myself, I am mocked and called a DRAMA QUEEN.  Further confirmation of my lack of any true friendships.

I can't even believe that I am saying all this here, just need to offload somewhere before I freaking explode.  I am so damn tired of being so damn lonely.


Ralph said...

And are you even one bit surprised that I am awake thinking these things too? Happy people are not allowed to have bad days - it throws so many others off and somehow they can't make sense of it.

So tonight - we can just be two lonely friends together - sharing similar thoughts without having to say the word..

Christy said...

Good Morning Merry Sunshine! Vent away dear. This is part of life. I'll give you an ear if you want one. Ringy dingy!