the wall

I feel like being honest and I feel like talking and I feel like saying all the things that I always want to say but nobody asks and nobody cares and nobody listens and nobody thinks my problems are big enough to matter in this great big world to offer a shoulder or hug or companionship.

It's a lonely world and I have so much and have done so much but I still lack so much and have done so little.  And I don't matter much to most in a way that I can feel.  Maybe they can, but I can't.  In a way that makes people want to reach out and know me.  In a way that makes people want to spend time or space with me.

My flaws run deep so so deep.  They must.  I fail at making the loneliness go away.  I fail at making the people stay.  I fail at being able to find my way.

I keep trying, I keep asking, I keep meeting, and I keep being alone.  I wonder how many feel this way?  I wonder what makes everyone stay away. 

I built my walls so high that nobody can or wants to get over them.  Because to do so would mean understanding a girl who yearns to have someone want to do it badly enough that she can break the walls down for you and let you in.

There's always pain and loneliness in the end.  There is always abandonment in the end.  A world so large and so crowded and lonely and filled with acquaintances and never best friends.

And I can say it doesn't matter to me, but it does.