Oct 26, 2010

the wall

I feel like being honest and I feel like talking and I feel like saying all the things that I always want to say but nobody asks and nobody cares and nobody listens and nobody thinks my problems are big enough to matter in this great big world to offer a shoulder or hug or companionship.

It's a lonely world and I have so much and have done so much but I still lack so much and have done so little.  And I don't matter much to most in a way that I can feel.  Maybe they can, but I can't.  In a way that makes people want to reach out and know me.  In a way that makes people want to spend time or space with me.

My flaws run deep so so deep.  They must.  I fail at making the loneliness go away.  I fail at making the people stay.  I fail at being able to find my way.

I keep trying, I keep asking, I keep meeting, and I keep being alone.  I wonder how many feel this way?  I wonder what makes everyone stay away. 

I built my walls so high that nobody can or wants to get over them.  Because to do so would mean understanding a girl who yearns to have someone want to do it badly enough that she can break the walls down for you and let you in.

There's always pain and loneliness in the end.  There is always abandonment in the end.  A world so large and so crowded and lonely and filled with acquaintances and never best friends.

And I can say it doesn't matter to me, but it does.


Christy said...

And I could say that you don't matter to me...........but I'd be wrong. You do matter and I do miss you. Hugs from the South my dear....come down and visit, will ya?

Just a thought- this blog post needs to land on a beautiful layout. With a photo of a beautiful you. Hang in there my friend.

Bridge E. Muffin said...

Reading this makes me want to cry. I feel like a really bad friend! You know I love you and you're one of my favorite people in the world! I can't wait to spend the entire weekend hanging out with you in New Hampshire catching up on everything! Laughing, talking smack, and NO crying! (You're not going to CRY are you?? Ha ha). It'll be fun times!

tosin said...

Everything that happened this spring has left me in a bad place, and I always end up going it alone. I've tried to reach out more, but I don't think people realize that's what it is.

It is hard for me to not do things that way... always waiting for a rescue. I know it's wrong, but I see everywhere people who have these circles. Ugh. Where's my circle? Where's my Sunday morning brunch group, a la Sex and the city? Haha! Do these things really exist? I am forcing myself into a Bunco group. Maybe it'll help. And back to work I guess.

Thanks for the kind words!!!