mistrust

Somebody asked recently why I don't trust people.

I had to really think. 

Is it that I DON'T trust people, or that I CAN'T trust them?

I'm not sure.

I think I don't know how.  I think I am always waiting for people to let me down.  And they always do.  Which feeds my feelings of mistrust. 

Who have I always been able to count on?
No one.

Is that a true truth or just my interpretation?  A truth.  Really.  I have had so much violation of trust.  Deep cutting violations.  From people close to me.  From everyone I have ever let in.  And now I don't.  I can't trust people and let them in.  I can't trust them not to hurt me.  Which brings the deeper pain of loneliness.

I think I have to fix this, but it isn't easy.  I'm stuck in a horrible circle and breaking this thirty year old habit is so very difficult.  I have to choose people who won't let me down, and then I have to trust that they won't.  And then hopefully, the trust becomes restored. 

Help me trust.  Reach out to me, and I will reach back.