one sentence: #9

I have been in a sad and painful coma for almost a week now, and I think it is finally time to snap out of it.

one sentence: #8

A foot of snow, snacks, movies, pajamas, and my loves all equal to a perfect snuggly snow day.

one sentence: #7

I feel like if I can't get healthy, I will never become the person I want to be.

my journey begins

I feel like I have all these words inside me that need to come out.

I feel like I have all these emotions bottled up.

I feel like my real body is crowed underneath an ugly shell.

I feel like there is a deeper, better self that I have not yet reached.

I feel like my current version of success could be shadowed by my own greater future successes.

I feel like the damaged little girl in me has never been healed enough to grow into a healthy adult woman.

When I shed all the layers what will remain?

Will I know how to be the person underneath, and feel the true feelings, and sense the world in a pure, raw way?

Am I capable of making the connections that a soul requires to truly be alive?

Will I allow myself to be loved?

Am I capable of loving?

Who am I, and who will I be able to be?

reactions

It has been interesting to see the reactions of putting my life out there more.  I learn about people by their reactions.

This journey has taught me a lot about myself, and it has taught me a lot about those around me.

My family is rock steady.  They never know day to day what wife/mommy they are going to come home to.  They can't count on me always being able to do the things I tell them they will do.  Sometimes I take care of them, sometimes they take care of me.  They have learned a compassion deeper than any I have ever known.  I have shown them how to respect theirs and others abilities, how to be flexible, how to care for and love others in whatever ways they can each day.

Some people don't want to be or can't handle being a friend with someone like me.  That's okay with me, because I don't have the energy to waste on people who don't love me for me.  My deepest and closest friendships are with those who forgive me my shortcomings, who sit with me and talk on days when that is what I can do, and who fly with me when I am ready for that.  I have one person I can call to take my kids on a moment's notice when my husband is driving me to the emergency room.  I'm sure there may be more than that, but I know I have one who lives close(ish) enough to help me and who I would actually call with no hesitation.

I explain how I feel so people understand what is going on behind my smile.  So people know that not every day is a good one.  So people realize that I do so much want to do more than I do, but that some days I just can't.  And that it hurts me more than anyone.

Sometimes I just need someone to cry with, you know?

But overall, I'm ok.  I am happy and appreciative and have been able to do so many good things.  And I thank you all for sharing some small piece of that with me.

fibro letter to normals - my love and attempt at an explanation to family and friends

I am writing this so that people who love me can understand, people who are curious can understand, and also maybe even to try to help myself understand.

I have spent years of my life tired and in pain and sad.  Only it is so much more than that.

I never admit that I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia because I have only ever heard negativity towards it.  But the thing is, it is real, and it really sucks.

I have noticed that over time, my good days have become fewer and farther between.  Good days are the days when I am able to wake up and function like a normal person or get the things done that I need to before I crash.  I think it is confusing for people to understand what it is like for me because they see me on days I am able to push through.  But on days when I just can't, I often have to let people down.  I hate when I have to do that.

I often can't settle into a comfortable sleep.  I have nightmares every night when I do sleep.  I toss and turn quite a bit.  I cannot even tell you the last time I woke up feeling at all refreshed.  Every day is a struggle to make myself start my day.  Getting myself ready to leave the house is an extremely exhausting experience for me.  I have to stop and sit often.  I am always late and I always hate myself for it.

I get in trouble at work because I am not consistent or reliable sometimes.  I am smart and have ambitions and I let myself down most of all for not being the educated career driven person I know I should be.  But for some reason I just can't let go of that and be a "disabled" person.  I'm not sure I will ever get to that place.  So I just keep trying.

I hate this whole thing.

I hate that I will never be the vibrant active person that I used to be.  I hate that my life and energy have been taken away from me.

I hate being in pain.

Sometimes I actually forget some of the pain I feel every day.  I have programmed myself not to notice I think.  There are these weird muscle spasms and random sharp pains and tender points that are always stressed and I just have to make myself ignore it most of the time to get through the day.  I have days where I simply can't get out of bed or lift my arms or climb the stairs.  Those days are the scariest.

I get embarrassed because I feel like people just think I'm lazy.  I push myself to do as much as I can, but sometimes I just can't walk that far or stand that long or wake up.  Sometimes I push through and find a way to force myself to do things, and then I end up having to sleep for days straight afterwards.

All of this makes me depressed.  I hate that part too.  But I think that feeling this way for as long as I have would get most people down.

My toes are numb.  My hands ache.  Some days I can't grasp things like a pencil or drop glasses because I can't hold on to them.  That is probably the thing that I have been scared of most lately.

My body does not tolerate transitions well.  Going in and out and in and out make me uncomfortable and pained.  I am sensitive to lighting and temperature and particularly humidity.  I can feel the changes from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.  And guess what?  I know that I'm sweating.  You don't have to tell me.  But you can hand me a fan or a towel and I will be extremely grateful.

I mourn the kind of person I should have been in this world.  I will never know her.  She had my smarts and my wit - but she could DO things.  She didn't let people down.

I know that my family is a blessing to me and that they get me through this.  I wish I knew there would be some way to repay them.  I give what I can of my good days to them.  And I know that they deserve better.

I am glad for the friends who are there to share the good days with me.  Inside I will always be a fun-loving thrill seeker.  I appreciate being able to let loose and dance when I can and that I have people to do it with.  I hope somehow they can forgive me for the times when I can't do this or be this way.  I hope they know that on some days I am just as happy to be there and watch them do things I used to be able to do.  And to laugh with them.  The laughing keeps me sane most of the time.

I count on people to remind me who I am.  I feel such deep gratitude towards those who can just take me as I am and enjoy me anyway.

I feel trapped in myself and it is a scary feeling.  My body is like a prison.

I get so angry sometimes and it comes out in such strange ways and that makes me feel guilty.  I have never been able to understand the pressure and frustration that builds up inside me.

I let people down.  Every day.

And then I unfairly ask you to love me anyway.  Surely some part of me is still deserving of love.  I try to repay those who are able to do it, but not always very well or consistently.

Fribromyalgia.  This thing is real.  It is a disease.  It has stolen my abilities.  It is invisible.  It is hard for me to explain.  It has no cure.  Treatment is uncertain and changing and unreliable.

It is what I have, but it is not who I am.  I am still me inside.

one sentence: #6

It's not personal, it's just business.

one sentence: #5

I truly have more on my plate than I can ever hope to achieve, and I can't figure out how to make any of it better with my current support system.

one sentence: #4

The corn is as high as an elephant's eye which of course could only mean one thing - football and cheer season is here.

one sentence: #3

I truly could not be more addicted to watching the 2012 Summer Olympics - favorite event just purely based on its name - Clean and Jerk.

one sentence: #2

Truly, Friday Night Date Night has been the best decision we have ever made for our marriage - brought to you tonight by wings, beer, and the 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremonies.

one sentence: #1

Everything was such a whirlwind today of hectic, technical, nonstop coordination......... and it was an incredibly happy and satisfying day - that ended with Taco TV Thursday = BLISS.

one sentence: intro

I follow Gretchen Rubin, as I love her philosophies about choosing happiness.  One of the things she suggests doing is writing one sentence a day.  She sells diaries that have space to write in them one sentence a day for five years.  As I am well known for starting projects all starry eyed and optimistic, I think I am going to go with more realism and shoot for writing one sentence for a week.

One sentence per day for seven days.

I don't think this should be too terrible.

crossroads

My mind seems to be racing this week.  I don't know why or what the trigger really has been or what is happening.  Things are ok, they always are.  But things are on the brink of what could be disaster, which always looms over my head too.

I'm happy, thing are going ok.  But I'm sad.  Things could and should be better.

Sometimes I wish the path I am supposed to take was much more clear to me.  I can't understand why things have spun so far away from any that I might recognize.  Somehow the last piece of the puzzle never seems to fit.

Mental illness ruins everything.  A demon that is never truly conquered.

Make it work.  Make it work.  Make it work.

Shut up and deal with it.

Find happiness in the many small blessings.

Push through.

Fix all the things within your control.  Fix all the things within my control.  Fix everything.

Try and not shatter.

I can't do it.

I am so weak.

2011 round up

Here is this year's version of the quiz I have done in the past.......

2006

2007

2010

What books and/or magazines did I read this year?

I read every book in the house during the power outage.  I read The Help, which seemed to be all the rage.  It was good.  Not sure I still get all of the extreme hype, but I enjoyed it.  I also found a book that relates to some things I have been through.  It was like a lightbulb going off.

What movies and/or tv shows did I watch this year?

Tons of reality garbage.  Obsessed with Real Police Women of..., Hoarders, Intervention, Real Housewives.  Lots of disaster television out there.  I find it all super fascinating.  I always think about how people got to be the way they are.  Most of it stems from the same place.

What special days did I celebrate and how?

Gosh - none really stick out in my mind.  I don't think this was a very celebratory kind of year.

What gifts did I give and/or receive?

I think sometimes the only gift I have to give is myself.  I have received some thoughtful gifts - kind words of thanks and appreciation are my favorite.

What illnesses or health concerns did I have?

I have been to the hospital more times this year than ever in my life I think.  Pain unlike any pain I have ever experienced in my life.  At the end of my rope I pushed to find answers.  I think I sorta have some now, but we shall see.  I hate being at the doctors' as much as it would take to be well.  It could become my part time job if I let it.  My normal is not normal, and I deserve to feel better than I do I think.

What fun things did I do with my friends and/or family?

Camping.  Beach.  NYC.  Friday night wine dinners.  Sitting outside and talking.  New Farmington.

What new foods, recipes or restaurants did I try this year?

I honestly cannot think of a single new food or restaurant.  Is that strange?

What special or unusual purchases did I make?

A new cat.  A MacBook Pro!  <3  

What were this year's disappointments?

I feel insignificant.  A lot.  I feel lonely.  A lot.  I get let down.  A lot.  My expectations are unrealistic.  For who I am.

What were my accomplishments this year?

I hate this question.  I am not good at recognizing my accomplishments or receiving praise.  I became a foster parent.  I am making a difference for two children who need it.  It came at a cost, but it is the right thing to do.

Anything else noteworthy to record?

I am scared to death.  Of everything.

lights out

We have been living in some sort of insane twisted weather system over the last year.  Starting in January we got record high snow levels.  Snow banks were as tall as houses for weeks on end.  From there we have experienced a tornado, earthquake, hurricane, and then ended with a freak fall snowstorm that took down every tree and power line in the state.

Outside of being on the lookout for locusts and the plague, we have suffered three extended power outages, the last of which was eleven days.  Eleven.  ELEVEN.  I am generally a person with a strong ability to make do, but that was truly a test of my patience and faith.  I am not ashamed to say that many a tear was shed.  It was actually a brilliant example of how my relationship with DH works.  I start to break down and he keeps me strong, then he slips away while I build him up.  And somehow, together, we make it all work and triumph in the end.

During that time we did our cooking on our camp stove or ate out if we could (many local restaurants were closed).  It was just part of what made the time so tiresome.  We saved as much food as we could from the refrigerator and freezer, but there was certainly a high degree of loss there.  What we did keep we pretty much just stuck out in the snow to keep cold.

We stayed in mittens and coats most of the time, and huddled together in the living room where our only source of heat, the fireplace, was located.  That was the big difference in this power outage from the ones that came before it - the cold.  I was wishing back the outage where my sleep was interrupted by not having on the fan.  Sleeping huddled on the floor in my winter coat was much much worse.

Since everyone in the area was sadly in the same situation, there was a strong sense of community that could be felt.  Shelters opened up immediately to provide people with a warm place to sleep, to get a warm shower, to get water if needed.  The radio station that we pulled in on our battery powered radio had opened up the phone lines so people could ask questions or share information like where to find a generator, where restaurants were open, which gas stations still had gas and the shortest lines.  Neighbors were out working together to clear the streets and make the neighborhood safe.

I read every book in my house while the kids broke out the board games.  It wasn't that hard to give up the televisions, computers, and phones.  Our local cell tower was out for the first few days, and after that service was still spotty.  It wasn't necessarily the worst thing to be unplugged for a little while.  It was somewhat of a relief to experience a bit of radio silence.

In the end, although I would never ever opt to go through such a thing again, we survived.  And maybe, somehow, we are even a little better and a little stronger for it.

christmas magic

The first month of being a foster parent is much like the first month with a newborn baby.  It is a hazy, sleepless, exhausting blur that you are not really meant to remember clearly so that you will actually consider doing this crazy thing again someday.  I swear I didn't think I was going to make it, and the redeeming moments of the process were few and far between.

Lately though, and with some time and trust and familiarity and growth and stability, the challenges have started to lessen and the rewards have begun to grow.

I tend towards being a Christmas obsessed freak, and these two new little ones have never seen a Christmas the likes of which I put on.  Their excitement of it is so enlightening.  There is a constant state of wonderment around it all.  Each decoration I put out is greeted with happy squeals and each event we think of is cheerfully attended.

I understand that children come in to foster care under unfortunate circumstances, but it is just unacceptable to not know who Rudolph is.  Or the words to any Christmas carols.  There is just entirely too many songs to learn and television to watch before the 25th!  :)

Every time a new Amazon box lands on the doorstep, Miss B gets so giddy.  "Is that for me?!  What is it? I'm gonna shake it!" followed by lots of happy giggles.  One of my love languages is most definitely gifts, and I derive so much delight from finding the right gift for a person as an expression of my love for them.  To have an equally excited recipient just makes the whole process that much more enjoyable for me.

The shrieks of joy when they caught the first glimpse of the Christmas train was absolutely incredible.  A couple minutes into our ride Mr B cries out "I'm so EXCITED!!!!"  It made an otherwise ordinary event so special.  Being able to talk to Santa, seeing lights as we drive down the street, choosing and cutting down a Christmas tree - it all is met with wonder and joy.

I am honored to be able to share these experiences with them.  Their happiness each day is all the reward I need for what we are doing.  There is nothing like getting to see Christmas magic through the eyes of these children.  What a blessing this has been.

health challenge: good choices

I am still plugging along with getting healthy.  I hit a few bumps with a ten day power outage - I didn't have the full means to refrigerate or cook healthy foods, and then like the fat kid that I am, I dealt with my frustrations by eating.

Regardless, I am back on the horse as they say.  Not easy, considering that right after the first big meal I cooked once the power came back on, the stove broke.  Seriously??  But that is just how it goes for me.

So, I am just plowing on.

I like feeling better.  I like looking better.  I don't like to lose.  And I refuse to give up on myself.

So, I would like to focus my attention right now on making good choices.  Choosing a glass of milk instead of a bowl of ice cream.  Choosing to stop eating when I am no longer hungry.  Choosing to keep myself away from my big temptations.  I will probably never be much of a salad eater, but that doesn't mean that I can't choose a nice healthy meal for dinner, and forsake the bread, dessert, and soda.

We are coming up on the biggest eating holiday of the year, and I need to be able to make it through without gaining a bazillion pounds.  That doesn't mean I am not going to partake in my favorite food group - gravy - it just means that I am not going to fall so far off my plan that I never go back.

I am laser focused right now, and I want to succeed.

beauty

What is beauty?

There truly is beauty in everyday moments.

A deep heartfelt belly laugh is beautiful.

A raindrop falling from a flower petal is beautiful.

A child's smile.  Beautiful.

There is beauty in strength.  And perseverance.

Love is beautiful.

Beauty can be found in the moments before the rain begins to fall.

Technology and the power and knowledge it provides is beautiful to me.

Sunshine on a summer afternoon is beautiful.

Beauty can be seen in the promise of a new day.

Overcoming obstacles provides bountiful beauty.

So much beauty comes from Christmas and all of its sparkle.

Friendship is beauty.

Motherhood is so messy and touching and beautiful.

Peaceful quiet moments are beautiful.

Beauty is all around us.  Every day.  All the time.

I see it.  Do you?

broken

I am pretty sure I don't have much of a following here anymore, so for the few of you who are left, allow me to share my innermost thoughts, k?  It's actually sort of comical that I am even putting this here, since what is on my mind today is trust.  And I know it's not exciting or funny or uplifting or very interesting to read, and not much like the brighter face I try to put on most of the time, but at some point I have to let it out.  And I'm sorry that this blog has been such an outlet for my darker thoughts, but I know that I need to say the words out loud once in a while in order to try to become whole.

I am pretty much the most distrustful person I know.  I don't trust anyone.  There is always at least a small piece of me that I keep locked up so that nobody can hurt it.  Even more so, I keep even bigger and more pieces locked up from the majority of people I know.  

I know I just talked about this here a month ago, but I am still trying to work out what this is and why it has become such a prominent issue in my life.  I need to put the words out into the universe so I can see them and try to understand.  

I feel like my trust issues have spilled out all over the place and are making a big sloppy mess of things.  I am way too negative and way too sensitive and torn between needing constant company and needing to push everyone away.  Loneliness overwhelms me most of the time.

I don't trust myself.  That is the worst part.  I always feel too exposed and unprotected, and I hate how this leads to getting hurt.  I am so overly sensitive to it that even the smallest betrayals hurt me way too deeply.  I just want to curl up in my little box and never be hurt again.

I question my own value and struggle with needing others to show it to me.  And that isn't anybody's job but my own.  But that part of me is broken.  So I wait for someone to want to be with me or talk to me or let me know that I matter.  And when they don't, which is inevitable, I allow myself to feel confirmed that I am not worthy.  I can't build relationships this way.  And because of that or a million other reasons that I am not a valuable friend or person, I am mostly alone.

How do you learn to trust?  I never learned.  I pretty much know what pieces of my history got me to this point, but that still doesn't give me the keys to overcoming it.  I hate how broken I am.

The worst part is that I worry that I won't be able to teach it to my children.  It is so vitally important to me to build this trust within them, but I'm not sure if I really know how.

I can't be happy this way, and I am always going to be alone.  It is desperately sad.  Somehow I need to learn how to change this.  And even though I know how crazy all of these thoughts must sound, starting to tell people what I am actually feeling is one way for me to start to learn.  And maybe someday, somehow, someone will understand me and love me anyway.