Jul 31, 2009

this is what anxiety looks like

This is what anxiety looks like.......

"Call me!"
They want me to call. I'm going to call. Where's the phone? The cell doesn't get a good signal here. I want to talk to this person. What do I have to do for the rest of the night? I'm going to sort that pile of papers. I need to make this call. Do I know what I am going to say? Am I going to sound weird? I am going to say something stupid. I don't want to talk. I hate the stupid phone. I never know how to gracefully end the call. Maybe we can text/email/facebook/im instead. Why do they want to talk to me? I want to talk. I can't talk. Maybe we can meet up for coffee.

"Would you like to come over for dinner?"
What the heck should I make for dinner? I can only make pasta. Nobody wants to eat that. It is too ordinary. I know how to cook. I am a good cook! Why can't I think of any ideas? What if I cook something and it doesn't come out right? What if I try something new and it's gross? I have no idea what to do. Is my house clean? Am I going to be able to clean it in time? I don't have any groceries in the house. Should I make dessert? I think I am going to be sick.
"How about we go out for dinner instead?"
"Uh, ok?"

"Did you get that report finished?"
"Not yet. I will have it to you by tomorrow."
I should turn it in the way it is. But it is not perfect. It needs so much work. I need to edit it. I read an article once that had a great quote that I could include. Maybe I could put this into a presentation format that will really impress them! I just found another error. I am going to rewrite this paragraph. Now it doesn't make sense. I am going to add another section. This needs an image. I don't have enough time! Why are they pressuring me! They don't respect me! They think I'm an idiot!! I need a new job.

"What a crazy night! You guys were a mess! Did you see the pictures?"
"Oh. Yeah. It was fun."
OMG. Was I too drunk? Too loud? Did I offend someone? Did I say something stupid? I shouldn't have said that to her. Now she's probably mad at me. Did I buy enough rounds? Was I polite? Are they sick of me? They aren't going to invite me back. Everyone thinks I look fat in the pictures. Because I am fat. Did I eat too much when we were out? I spilled and now everyone thinks I am a sloppy jerk. I am disgusting.

I am so tired. I can't sleep. I have too much to do to lay down now. If I don't go to bed now I will not be able to wake up on time. I never wake up on time. I am a loser. I can never do anything right. Ugh. I wonder who else is up. Do you think anyone would want to talk to me? Doubt it. I am not funny, or smart, and I am mean. I don't have any friends because of that. This week is never going to end. Time passes too quickly though. I wonder if I have any clean jeans to wear tomorrow. If we go out this weekend I am not going to have anything to wear and I am going to look fat and gross. I am not going to go anywhere ever. I am sooooo tired. I need to fall asleep right now or I'm not going to have more than 3 and 1/2 hours of sleep. I can't stop thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking. I need to count. 100....99......98......97.......96.......95.......94........................................................


Ralph said...

Sometimes our intelligence is what shoots us in the foot. Because you are smart - and intuitive - you are painfully aware of what people may think of you. If you were an outsider, you know, that you would not even like yourself. Many people will say "You're not fat, your house is fine!, the dinner tastes great - etc...." Most times, unfortunately, we are right about what people will and do assume about us. You are halfway there. You would tell your kids to not worry about what other people say - but you are a hypocrite, right? Intelligence helps in life, but sometimes being too in tune to others opinions is detrimental. I have no fix because I feel the same way. It won't ever go away 100% - but you know deep down that while you don't weigh 110 pounds, or have a spotless house, that there are things about you that others will and do envy. Admit to yourself that you are a mother that has committed herself 100% to her children, that you love unconditionally, that you laugh without caution - and you laugh loudly, infectiously. You know that you are a great friend, that you are a great listener - and you know how proud your parents are that you have become such a wonderful mom and friend. Anxiety happens, will never stop - but for 30 seconds stop time - and give yourself credit for the things that you have done. Fine, feel bad about your clothing size - but be just as honest when you ask yourself, am I a good mom and a good friend? You are smart enough to know that the answer is yes - pat yourself on your mother fucking back...

Christy said...

Whoa (like you say to a horse) I think Ralph said it all. You are too hard on yourself. At the end of they day (or night) you are you. And I love you too!